Top Ten
by Lady Lemons
Summary: Random, funny, and weird takes on anything and everything SGA related.
1. Reasons to Live in the Pegasus Galaxy

Top Ten

a/n: Yeah I know I am starting something new. I am working on my other fics (Oh baby baby has part two partially started with three chapters almost done and A Whole New Foe is giving my fits. Damn brain fart) Yeah this just kinda came to me while watching Letterman so if you like it great if not sorry.

Top ten reasons to live in the Pegasus Galaxy:

10: All of the planets tend to look alike making it easier to adapt when you are in the market for a new home.

9: Lots of friendly neighbors. Have you met the Genii yet?

8: Have the threat of the wraith hanging out over you, fun times!

7: Your enemies don't get mad, they get mad and even!

6: Athosians are the best friends to have.

5: Murphy's Law exists here

4: If you screw up relations with one backwater community, there are many more to take its place.

3: Lots of fun wildlife. Highly recommend meeting the Iratus bugs

2: Fun times with those who want to exploit you genes!

1: Home of Atlantis and the Ancients (Yay team!)


	2. Reasons to Live on Atlantis

Top Ten Reasons to Live on Atlantis:

10: Comes furnished with 10,000 year old dead plants.

9: No instruction manual provided! Relies on the do it yourself plan of action.

8: Free transportation: Puddlejumpers all the way!

7: Period solar flares and devastating storms to look forward to. (Use these to plan your days off around)

6: Your own whale warning system

5: Ooo shiny ancient technology is everywhere. You just have to figure out what it does.

4: Always on a quest for power. The hunt for ZPM's is on!

3: Great staff. You have Carson with his pointy needles, training with Ronon who will kick the crap outta you, and working under Rodney is highly recommended he has such a great personality.

2: There is always something to do!

1: Threat of impending doom never fades away here.


	3. Things Shep Wishes He Could Do

Top Ten Things: Sheppard Wishes He Could Do/ Have Happen

10: Make a real driving range on the city

9: Find more ZPMs and have a race with the Asurans (their city vs. Atlantis) and kick their butt

8: Make all the Iratus Bugs disappear or never ever see one again

7: Beat Ronon at Satedan Capture the Flag

6: Have a sock sliding contest down the halls of Atlantis

5: Go on a mission for once and find nice neighbors to trade with and not get hurt

4: Smack Rodney over the head with his data pad

3: Play wall ball with the gate's shield.

2: Actually prove if Rodney is really allergic to citrus.

1: Have a relationship with Weir that was out in the open

_a/n: Sorry I had to have my sparky plug in their! Hee hee_.


	4. Ways to Spend Your Day Off

_a/n: Ok, here's today's list actually it was yesterday's but FF was stupid and wouldn't let me upload it Otherwise i am trying to stick to my one a day thing cuz these don't take too much time. For anyone reading my other stuff, more is in the works i am just trying to get ahead and will probably post the next part in a few days: Hee hee, I think I am having a little too much fun with this. Oops deal with it! Hee hee:D!_

Top Ten Ways to Spend Your Day Off:

10: Do a McKay and Work

9: Join in the battle of the chess nerds (Radek would love to clean out all of your secret stash)

8: Paint a lovely picture of Atlantis

7: Really do go fishing on the mainland (Sunday what Sunday!?! Long Live Carson)

6: Visit the Atlantis Driving range

5: Watch Football

4: Take your favorite Puddlejumper out for a joyride

3: Play a real man's game: Satedan Capture the Flag

2: Eat lots and lots of blue jello until you puke (We all know Rodney has done this, he has just never told anyone)

1: Spend it with your special someone


	5. Dumbest Ways Stupidest Injuries

Top Ten Dumbest Ways/ Stupidest Injuries to End Up in the Infirmary For

_a/n: Ok, so a little more than ten, but I had a few ideas I really wanted to include! They are honorable mentions how about that?_

12. Tripping while fleeing some random enemy (be it unhappy natives, Genii, or Wraith what have you) falling down and twisting your ankle.

11. Running into a shielded Jumper only to be chucked back into the air several feet landing in a rather undignified heap

10. Getting Shot in the Butt with an Arrow (Classic!)

9. Getting Hit by a Wraith Stunner and Being Granted Instant Membership to the 'Pins and Needles Club'

8. Insisting on taking a straight line to get back to the village thus tramping through the Pegasus Galaxy's Worst Version of Poison Ivy that lay hiding along your 'path'

7. Getting a splinter in your finger a la Rodney from the woods from anon backwater planet number 99

6. Taking part in the local village harvest ceremony and contracting food poisoning

5. Walking in the halls working on your data pad and while not paying attention proceed to fall headfirst down the stairs (I could see this so happening to Rodney)

4. Fall and Hit your Head on a Rock Thus knocking yourself Out (Hee hee Ford)

3. Getting into a fight over the last cup of coffee, punching a guy, and breaking your hand on his nose. (Yep, Rodney could do this too/ would also be funny if Radek did it)

2. Touching Random Alien Device and having the whole thing blow up in your face and your ears to turn purple only to discover why it was on the shelf that said 'Do Not Touch' in little ancient writing afterwards in the first place.

1. Turning into a bug, being bitten by a bug. Basically anything involving said bug is going to be suck (Lit and Fig)

_a/n: Oh, and thank you all for the lovely reviews (I really wasn't expecting any). This really is just a result of me not wanting to do my homework and writing down the random thought I have. Like now, I so should be doing my lit paper but I'm not. Thanks everyone!_


	6. Atlantis Hit List

Top Ten People on the Atlantis Hit/ Cause Bodily Harm to List:

10: Bates (Where did he go honestly? Maybe he got sucked on by a wraith although I don't think I'm that lucky) (Ugg he was sooo annoying though!)

9: Caldwell anyone? (He's not _that_ bad, just a tiny bit annoying)

8: Woolsey (Head knocking anyone?)

7: Kavanaugh (Need I Say any more?)

6: Wraith Worshipers: Traitors to Mankind!

5: Michael (Crazy mad Bug scientist/wraith/ tiny bit human so needs to be taken out of the picture)

4: Rogue Genii aka Kolya's Boys (even most Genii are annoying I am just counting down the eps until Ladon goes bad)

3: Oberoth and the Asurans (Bluck! Hate them!!! Die pigs die!!!)

2: Little Group of life sucking aliens known as the Wraith

1: Kolya (Oh, wait does he count even if he's been _taken care of_ already? Too bad, he is so SGA's best villain ever!) (Needs to go out with a bigger bang! Lame Death! Under utilized too as a character IMO.)

a/n: Okies here's today's list. Thank you so much for all of the lovely reviews that I am receiving. It is so comforting to know that there are other people out there who have just as much of a life as I do and an odd sense of humor as well. Yep, the reviews are loved and really motivating. Thank you all sooooooooooo much. (I would reply to each of you, but its 10:21 and I have to finish a paper)


	7. Ways to Get on McKay's Nerves

a/n: Okies sorry I haven't gotten one out for the last two days, I was really busy and didn't have access to a my files on my computer to post. Yep so here is Friday's. Saturday's will follow a little later on today, and I will get Sunday's up by tonight so I will be back on track for tomorrow.

Top Ten Ways to Get on McKay's Nerves:

10: Criticize him for being late and whiney

9: Leave him out of the loop

8: Tell him how Canadian football sucks (Yep I am biased)

7: Waltz into his lab and start asking stupid questions

6: Randomly burst into the most annoying song ever (_John Jacob Jingle Heimer Schmitt, his name is my name too, whenever we go out….the people always shout…)_

5: Take away his coffee and power bars

4: Eat a huge bowl of blue jello in front of him and not share (That I would wanna try)

3: Threaten him with lemons (Hee hee)

2: Come up with a plan better than his (rubbing it in his face would be good too)

1: Call him Meredith


	8. Worst Jobs in Atlantis

a/n: Ok this is Saturday's list. I am catching up on what I missed as promised!

Top Ten Worst Jobs to Have on Atlantis:

10: In charge of cleaning up the city after some catastrophic disaster that left a lot of wreckage

9: Shipment organizer/ Inventory person. Talk about a monotonous job

8: Janitor to the infirmary. Um ew. Blood and guts and snot and spit and eye balls to clean. (Well, maybe not eye balls, but um gross!!)

7: Laundry head. Seriously that has to be a pain to wash everything for all those people

6: Whoever dusts the place, doesn't sound fun

5: Chef (Hmm unusual requests and I wouldn't wanna be them when supplies ran low)

4: The person who has to help break in the nubies. Talk about annoying (Although watching them get the crap knocked outta them by Ronon would be funny)

3: To be a military "red shirt" you're gonna die

2: Window washer (Eww there are a ton of windows in the city)

1: Kavanaugh's assistant


	9. Things Newbies Go Through

Author's note: Ok, now I am caught up. Here's today's list:

Top Ten Things Newbies Have to Go Through

10. Realization that you aren't in Kansas anymore Dorothy

9. Having to be a lab rat for the scientist in the 'touch this' ancient device of the day (That is if you are lucky enough to have the ancient gene)

8. Contestant on McKay and Zelenka's 'Prime or Not Prime' Game

7. Meeting the life sucking aliens of the galaxy for the first time (they suck lit and fig) _(I know I read this somewhere so whose ever this is sorry I kinda ripped it off of you. If you claim it I'll acknowledge it in my next list)_

6. Initiation of the nerds of the city (no hot water for a week)

5. Witnessing an epic McKay and Sheppard battle of wits and insults for the first time (Fun stuff)

4. First accident/ injury and meeting with Carson in the infirmary afterwards (Make metal note to talk to vets and ask about Shep's 101 ways to sneak outta the infirmary)

3. McKay's spiel on the Pegasus Galaxy for Dummies (um boring but required)

2. Sheppard's survival course on the mainland (Required for all personal even scientists hee hee)

1. Training with Ronon (Be prepared to get the crap beat outta you)


	10. Delicacies of the Pegasus Galaxy

_a/n: Okay I was swamped Monday with homework so here is that list. I totally came up with it in pre-cal today because I was sooo bored. (Hey I had to listen to my teacher explain how to do stuff I already knew how to do and was sooo bored) Yeppies so here you go! _

Top Ten Delicacies of the Pegasus Galaxy:

10 Humans (For the delicate palate of the wraith of course)

9 Concoction that the chefs come up with when they are short on supplies

8 Radek's brew (ask him no questions, get no lies)

7 Charin's Turtle Root soup

6 MRE's

5 Tava Bean coffee

4 McKay coffee and power bar diet

3 Peg Gal version of the turkey sandwich

2 Random pot of Athosian stew

1 Satedan Surprise (There's a reason why Ronon doesn't cook)

a/n2: did I mention it was right after lunch too that this came to me? Go figure!


	11. DVD's

a/n: Okies Atlantis fans, here is today's list. I wondered what the most popular movies would be. I took some inspiration from the show to get ideas based on some little quotes that were snuck in here and there. Hee hee so here you go!:

Top Ten DVD's Found in the Rec Room:

12 Titanic (Girls fave)

11 Young Frankenstein

10 Atlantis: The Lost Empire (Yep the cartoon one. Curtsey of Jack as a gag gift the last Christmas)

9 Independence Day (Seemed Oddly appropriate)

8 Lord of the Rings

7 You've Got Mail (Ok, the women added this one)

6 Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Common fave cos everyone needs a good laugh)

5 The Longest Yard (Hmm likes football…take a wild guess who added that?)

4 Die Hard (Blame SG-1 for getting them that one)

3 Batman (We all know who picked that cough cough)

2 Star Wars (Classic)

1 Back to the Future (Don't get me started on that movie!)


	12. Clubs Associations

Top Ten Clubs/ Associations on Atlantis

a/n: Ok- I have a few honorable mentions this time cos I kinda got carried away. Enjoy! Oh and memyselfandi89 was nice enough to point out that it is tuttle root soup not turtle. My bad! Yep i really like this one and i hope you guys do as well i think it's my fave so far!

List Posted On the Rec Room Bulletin Board:

14 Arts and Crafts

Next Meeting Wednesday—Bring Your Paints and Easels

President: Major Lorne

13 Couch Potatoes

Meets Every Friday Night in the Rec Room

This Week we will be watching 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail'—We want a shrubbery!'

12 Running Club

Meets Everyday at 5 on the North Pier

Lead by Col John Sheppard and Specialist Ronon Dex

11 Sparring Club

Meets Everyday at 6 in the gym

Lead by Specialist Ronon Dex and Teyla Emmagan

10 Chess Nerds:

Next Meeting Tuesday—Bring Betting Items Ready

President: Dr. Radek Zelenka

9 Knitting Nuts:

Next Meeting Saturday Night—New yarn just in courtesy of the Daedalus

Note: We will be working on socks next!

President: Dr. Kate Heightmeyer

8 Pins and Needles Club:

President: Col John Sheppard

Next week—we will introduce our new inductees

7 Coffee Lovers Anon:

President: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

VP: Dr. Rodney McKay

Next Meeting: Monday Evening—Special Guest Dr. Kate Heightmeyer to discuss first step: "admitting we have a problem"

6 Voodoo Association:

Next Meeting Friday in the infirmary

President: Dr. Carson Beckett

5 MACA: (Military Against Coffee Abusers)

Next Meeting: Monday Morning

Agenda: Will be plotting ways to crash Coffee Lovers Anon meeting comments and suggestions welcome!

4 WWJSD (What Would John Sheppard Do?)

Call Out Meeting Tuesday for all adoring fans! (SGA-1 is scheduled for a mission)

Agenda: Stalker Schedule sign ups

3 MENSA

President: Dr. Rodney McKay

Next Meeting Thursday

Agenda: Discussing the potential admittance of Col Sheppard

2 Texas Hold 'em

President: Dr. Radek Zelenka

Next Meeting: Saturday night in the mess

Reminder: ALL MEMBERS MUST BE GOOD ON THEIR BETS!

1 Co-Ed Rec Games

President: Col. John Sheppard

Next Meeting Friday

Agenda: Will be voting on next activity- Satedan Capture the Flag vs. Ultimate Paintball (ALL rules will be provided and gone over!)


	13. Things I Learned From Rodney McKay

Today is Thursday March 8, 2007 and here is the list of the day:

Top Ten Things I Learned from Rodney McKay:

10. Never back a brilliant scientist into a corner

9. Just say no to wraith enzymes

8. Coffee and power bars happiness

7. Getting shot in the butt with an arrow is a real pain in the ass literally and figuratively

6. Even geniuses screw up some times they just do it on a much grander scale than normal people (_cough_ 5/6 of a solar system _cough_ blown to bits no big deal right?)

5. People really need to keep their secret underground bunkers locked; it would save so much conflict and trouble (What secret underground bunker? Never heard of it)

4. Don't let people find out your first name if it's embarrassing because you will be mocked (Meredith McKay, your name is Meredith?)

3. Voodoo is not a real science, only witch doctors practice it (Hey Carson…what are you doing with that big pointy needle? Hey I was just kidding, well not really but, ahhh!!! _Runs away in top gear fleeing the Scottish doc_.)

2. I, Dr Rodney McKay, know almost everything about anything, I am basically invaluable everywhere!

1. Despite being a genius, flying in a straight line is harder than it looks.

a/n: Sorry that's the best I can come up with right now. I have a huge ap us history test to study for which I technically should be doing now, but I wanted to try and keep to my schedule! Thanks for all of the lovely reviews they really keep my going, although I would probably subject you to all of this until people started to write how much they suck, only then would i quit. Although if i ran out of ideas that would be not so great either, oh well!


	14. Things I Learned from John Sheppard

Top Ten Things I Learned from John Sheppard

15. Getting as far away from a nuclear explosion as possible is a good thing.

14. Wraith are life sucking aliens that equal bad bad news. However clowns on the other hand, redefine evil. (shudders)

13. MALP on a stick: To make- duct tape one video camera to a long stick and boom you're done.

12. Being shot at is NOT a good way to make new friends.

11. If your condition has someone close to you speechless, that's pretty much dead man talk.

10. Plan to schedule your vacation days when the most powerful storm in thirty years is supposed to hit your city.

9. Dead people are usually a dead give away to the fact that something is up.

8. Be careful where you sit down.

7. When plan A doesn't work, proceed with plan B. If that fails continue down the alphabet until you get a winner.

6. When life gives you lemons, threaten Rodney with them to get things done, or to just bug the crap outta him. (Then share this with whoever comes to visit).

5. Brisk means far, and walk really means run

4. Prisons may be built to keep people in, but hell they haven't stopped me yet!

3. You know you're doing a good job when you can be identified as the dot that's getting rid of the other dots in a fight.

2. Convicts are the BEST at tying people up.

1. Everything is a shortcut in John Sheppard's world. (A straight line works best.)

a/n: I actually made this massive list as a response to another story someone did that was similar so this is my take on it. I might make a part 2 for both Rodney and John that has more. Maybe if I get creative I'll include some other people and what I learned from them as well. Okies, well thanks for the lovely reviews you are all too sweet!


	15. Things I Learned from Ronon

A/N: Okies, here is the list for SATURDAY MARCH 10, 2007. sorry but I was gone all day and wasn't about to post it. Today's should be up later this evening. Again, thanks a million to my lovely reviewers! Hugs all around.

Top Ten Things I Learned from Ronon:

10-Wraith will always be wraith. You can un-goth them and teach them table manners, heck you can even give them a retrovirus and they will still be wraith.

9-Even a lost puppy can find a good home!

8-Knowing at least some first aide comes in handy.

7-Revenge is a powerful motivator.

6-Anesthesia who needs it? (Don't know the meaning of pain!)

5-Learning to do a good 'death stare' comes in handy on missions against annoying villagers and at home on pesky scientists!

4-The theory of 'Shoot first, shoot second, shoot some more, then when mostly everyone's dead try and ask a few questions' sometimes is works surprisingly well.

3-A weapon can be made out of just about anything one can lay their hands on hands included of course.

2-Have one or two knives hidden so that they will be found when captured, but have six or seven extra on your person for use later when escaping. They come in handy!

1-Don't piss off a Satedan especially if his name is Ronon.


	16. 25 Quotes

_A/N: Ok here is today's list. It is Sunday March 11, 2007 and I have wanted to post this list for a while, but I thought it was kinda lame because it's just quotes, but they really really make me laugh. I am working on some other lists with more substance but I was gone all Sat at a track meet so I am playing catch-up with my homework and am swamped now so I don't have as much time to put into this. Yep, that's my rant and on with my list!_

TOP TEN (cough) TWENTY-FIVE QUOTES FROM SGA

25. This is why parents get someone else to teach their kids how to drive. I am both insulted and touched by that.

24. Look, what you people do with your C-4 is none of our business. We just need food. As far as your little secret down here goes, well... uh... McKay: We say, "What giant underground bunker?"

23. You know if people could just learn to keep their secret underground hatches locked...

22. You you lemon!

21. Not everyone, although I will confess to the occasional half hour of Jeopardy. Jeopardy? It's the name of the show: "Jeopardy". Sounds dangerous.Double jeopardy, that's twice as dangerous.

20. "Have you seen a guy around? He looks like you, but he's got messy hair. I think I lost him somewhere. And a pretty girl and a caveman."

19. "Better to have you on the outside in case something goes wrong." "It won't! How many times do I have to say this?" "Rodney. Between the two of you, if something were to go wrong, which would be the greater loss?" "Well, I've never thought of it that way but she's right. You should go."

18. "Get as far away from the nuclear explosion as possible? That's good advice Rodney."

17. "These things happen once every 20 years? How far in advance can we book days off?"

16. _after injecting himself with Wraith enzyme and beating up two guards_ And that's what happens when you back a brilliant scientist into a corner!

15. The Wraith? Naah. Now clowns - that's another story. Scare the crap out of me.

14. This is what I do when I have problems with my laptop, I turn it off and then I... turn it on again. I think this is a little bit more complicated than that. I'm just saying that if we're taking a page from the John Sheppard book of computer repair, we're really desperate.

13. _referring to Wraith bite_ So, how am I doing? _not getting a response_ Anything that's got you speechless has me worried. You're going to be fine. Well, that's "dead man" talk. "You're going to be fine"? "Beckett'll figure this out"? You really suck at the whole "bedside manner" thing. I know. I'm sorry. But I appreciate the effort.

12. How's it coming, Rodney? Slower than I expected, but faster than humanly possible.

11. It's a brisk walk away. And by "brisk" you mean "far"? _nods_ And by "walk" I mean "run".

10. I'm picking up a strange reading from right over there. Define strange. _pause_ You don't know what strange means?

9. Life is not fair, just fairer than death. Oliver North? No, The Princess Bride. Good Movie

8. Operation: THIS WILL MOST LIKELY END BADLY is a go!

7.Not to mention a really nice DeLorean. Don't even get me started on that movie. Hey I like that movie!

6. He fainted. Oh there's gotta be a better word. Faint is a proper medical term. I passed out from... manly hunger!

5. You have no idea which way to go, do you? Just trying to get my bearings. Translation: "I'm lost. "

4. Yeah. She's married, and she's my sister. I'm just saying hi. Yeah. No, I know exactly what you're doing. I've seen that look before ... Kirk-

3. Yeah, well, prisons are like that. Never stopped me before. How long you been down here? Many years. How many is many? Five? Ten? It no longer matters. That many, huh?

2. It's a city, not a yo-yo!

1. They were very clear which route to take. I prefer a straight line... Yes, of course, cause everything's a short cut in Sheppard's world.

_Yep, this show has such great dialogue! Sorry but I didn't put in who said it, you can figure it out for yourselves! Oh and hopefully you all have seen these eps, I don't think there is anything from the second half of season three._


	17. THINGS I LEARNED FROM KOLYA

_a/n: Okay here is the list for **Monday March 12, 2007 **and it came to my randomly. I am working on some lists for other characters and this one in particular I had to do. I've said it before and am saying it again. Kolya rocks my socks and is the BEST SGA villain! Alright, that's my two cents! Now on with the list:_

TOP TEN THINGS I LEARNED FROM KOLYA:

11. It's ok to let things be 'even', it's when you refuse to accept 'even' that leads to trouble.

10. Having a way with words can come in handy!

9. Patience is a virtue (one that Kolya doesn't have!) or Don't be too hasty!

8. Don't waste all you ammo in an attempt to kill your enemy in one go!

7. Don't underestimate your enemy!

6. Don't leave loose ends handing out there that will come back and bite you in the ass.

5. Don't try to take over an ancient city with rookies and small numbers.

4. Don't piss off John Sheppard and Co.

3. Don't make demands that are TOO big!

2. Be careful who you conspire with, they might decided to leave you outta the loop.

1. Being so bad was never this good!

_Well this is sort of a DON'T list in a way! Oh well!_


	18. Things I Learned from Shep Part II

a/n: OKIES BONUS CHAPTER FOR MONDAY March 12, 2007. HERE IS THE REST OF THE LIST I CAME UP WITH A WHILE AGO FOR WHAT I LEARNED FROM EVERYONE'S FAVORITE ATLANTIS COLONEL. HEE HEE I HOPE THEY'RE NOT TOO BAD!

Bonus chapter: Top 25 Things I Learned from John Sheppard Part II

25. To join MENSA or not to join MENSA that is the question!

24. Be careful when agreeing to let an alien consciousness take over you body to say goodbye to their 'husband/wife' they might really just be mortal enemies bent on killing each other.

23. A little kirking goes a long way.

22. Attacking the Asurians first is like poking a sleeping dragon in the eye, they will retaliate, hard.

21. Be careful what games you play, especially those where you pretend to be an oracle and tell people how to live etc.

20. When wondering how something a large as say, Atlantis, could just sink, know that the passengers aboard the Titanic were probably asking themselves the same question.

19. Adding in little movie references is always a good thing.

18. It's a teenage thing. Pimples, rebellion, life sucking all apply to a wraith adolescent.

17. Wraith hive queens suck in so many ways.

16. Some wraith can be surprisingly hard to kill, however with some a bullet will do.

15. Be careful who you make friends with.

14. Football is the cornerstone of western civilization.

13. The entire Atlantis expedition is the biggest metaphor for a Hail Mary ever.

12. Be careful when trying to break a stick over your leg, it doesn't work if it's too big.

11. Being naturally lazy is ok.

10. Being a hopeless romantic is ok too.

9. Parents should always get someone else to teach their kids how to drive.

8. Turkey sandwiches are the ideal meal.

7. It's ok to name things and come up with your own words. (Ex: the Orion, Puddlejumper, _and_ ancienty)

6. Keeping count of how many wraith you kill is relative. (I got six, I mean nine.)

5. Pegasus whales one big headache

4. Don't leave you enemies out there to come back and try and feed you to a wraith or kill you off with mutant giant bugs.

3. Beware the simple Amish like farmers.

2. Watch out for who you wake up. Not everyone is a morning person (Or even a person _cough_ Wraith!)

1. Play nice with the other members of the galaxy now ya hear?

_Sorry quite a few of these relate to the second half of season three. Hopefully it didn't ruin things for too many people! If you are desperate like me to see it there's always Youtube. (What six freaking months without it? Sorry I needed to know! It was there so I took advantage of things, but I am so watching it in HD when is airs!!!!!!!)_


	19. Things I Learned from Teyla

_Author's Note: Okies here is the list for today: Tuesday March 13, 2007. I have had several requests for me to do more people so here you go! Oh, and thanks a million for all of the lovely reviews. I am so flattered that you all have taken the time to leave a line or two to say that you like this really rather random fic, so thanks. I am sorry I can't get back to all of you individually but I just don't have that much free time. I am getting rather busy with track and add homework to that makes it a little hard. Okies I am done now, on with the list!_

Top Ten Things I Learned from Teyla:

10. One sounds so much cooler when they do not use contractions and vary their sentence structure!

9. The "darkness" is afraid of fire!

8. Meditation is very very important!

7. Negotiation skills come in handy (trading, striking a deal)

6. Don't mess with those who know how to stick fight!

5. Beware the hot and deadly female alien leaders.

4. Learn the art of the mediator. Sometimes one has to be the mom and discipline the boys who argue too much! (ahem John and Rodney)

3. Don't piss off proud alien leaders and accuse them of being a spy. They will be forced to take matters into their own hands. (Bates this means you—you got off lightly!)

2. Two words- 'wraith gene' (who needs spidey sense?)

1. Sometimes looks can be deceiving. "Friends" aren't always really your "friends" (cough Genii cough)

a/n: Ok i just found out that they removed all of the SGA season three vids! man that sucks, sorry for getting anyone's hopes up like two chappies ago. Some nice person in Canada posted them like the day after they aired up there and i watched them. Ooop so i didn't realize they had been removed. Man that sucks! Ok, sorry again for any confusion and or hope raising that i caused- ahh don't hate me! Screwy scheduling that makes us all wait for more eps when some have seen all of them out there and others are seasons behind! Ugg its horrible i tell you, cruel and mean!


	20. Things Found in the Atlantis Gift Shop

Author's Note: Yeah everyone! Do you know what today is? It's pie day (3.14……) Yeppies so e-pie of the flavor of your choice coming your way! Enjoy today's list, yeah it randomly came to me in study hall today so voila here it is for you! Yeah for twenty chappies and thanks for all of the lovely reviews! Now on with the list:

Top Fourteen Things Found in the Atlantis Gift Shop:

14. Handmade Athosian carvings straight from the mainland

13. Original Paintings by Lorne: _Looking for that special piece of artwork for your office or to hang over the fireplace? Look no further! Lorne's works are one of a kind takes on different scenes of Atlantis. Hurry Supplies are limited!_

12. Travel Video of the Different Worlds of the Pegasus galaxy. _Take a guided tour of some of the best spots in the Peg gal narrated by everyone's favorite team, SGA-1! Special Extra Commentary by Dr. Rodney McKay._

11. Authentic Atlantis Apparel: _Ever wanted a jacket like the expedition members? Comes in all sizes and different color schemes: Black on black ala military/ Tan and blue panels ala McKay/ Grey and Red ala Weir/ tan and blue ala scientist etc. Gets yours today!_

10. Iratus bug and Wraith plush toys

9. Stargate 10,000 piece puzzle

8. Authentic Fighting Sticks, Wraith Stunners, and knives used by Ronon (_Now YOU can save the galaxy too!)_

7. Atlantis Lego Sets: Build your own Atlantis, Daedalus, and Wraith Darts (Comes with wraith figs, Daedalus crew (Caldwell and Hermiod), and Atlantis team members respectively (SGA-1 and Weir and Beckett.)

6. Remote control Puddlejumper

5. Mug that reads: Wraith Suck

4. T-Shirts: Ex: _I went to Atlantis and all I got was this lousy T-shirt_

3. 'How To Kit': Getting the Perfect Atlantis Hairstyle

Chapter One: Ronon's Dreads For Dummies

Chapter Two: Shep's Hair, How Does He _Really_ Get His Hair To Go Like That

2. Atlantis Villains Playing Cards: Suits include Genii, Wraith, Asurans, and Misc. Bad Guys

1.Sexiest Males of Atlantis Calendar (Hmm that is so going in my shopping cart!)


	21. Book Titles

_a/n: Awww thanks guys for all of the lovely reviews! You all are too sweet!!! Right now I have several days planned out so if you sent me a suggestion for a list it might be a little while before I get it done. Yep, well here is the list for today Thursday March 15, 2007: Ta Da, here you go!_

Chapter Twenty One:

TOP SEVENTEEN BOOK TITLES IN THE PEGASUS GALAXY:

17. Native Customs to the Pegasus Galaxy (Never again embarrass yourself on an offworld mission, here are some easy techniques to observe)

16. Wraith Enzyme, the Wonder Drug, by Lt. Adien Ford

15. Half and Half, my struggle In-between by Michael

14. The Delicacy of the Galaxy: Humans by Anon Wraith

13. What Not to Do On an Offworld Mission by Major Lorne

12. 1-2-3 Diplomatic Relations a Guide by Dr. Elizabeth Weir

11. Guide to the Art of Annoying the Scientists by Col John Sheppard

10. Fantastic Foes and Where to Find Them

9. Memoirs of a Runner by Ronon Dex

8. Traditional Athosian Recipes by Teyla Emmagan

7. Herbs of the Galaxy by Lucius Luvin

6. Torture for Beginners by A. Kolya

5. Everything You Wanted to Know About the Pegasus Galaxy but Were Too Afraid to Ask

4. The Atlantis Dictionary 2006 Ed. _Includes words like 'ancienty'_

3. 101 Ways the Ancients Screwed Up by Drs. Rodney McKay and Radek Zelenka

2. How to Go Through A Wraith Attack and Live to Tell About It by SGA-1

1. Dummy's Guide to Atlantis by Dr. Rodney McKay

_Yeah it is along the same lines of the previous chappie-all of these can be purchased in the AGS (Atlantis Gift Shop) BTW-Lemons-_


	22. Things I Learned from Carson

_a/n: Okies sorry but I was gone all weekend and was unable to post until now! I am really sorry, but I am making it up to you by posting what I would have posted had I been able to post Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Yep, I also want to thank everyone for the nice reviews. I can't believe I have gotten over 120! Wow, that is a first so thank you to everyone who left a line or two saying how much they are liking this fic! I am not even close to finishing so ha ha be ready for more!_

List for Friday March 16, 2007

TOP TEN THINGS I LEARNED FROM CARSON

10. Being non military has its perks. Being military means you have to take orders. So beware the cheeky little buggers who let power go to their head! (Hee hee Ford)

9. It is cool to have a Scottish accent and vocabulary! 'Luv, lit'le buggers, o' bloody 'ell'

8. Not everyone can be saved, but one should NEVER give up!

7. Beware the man bearing gourds and herbs!

6. Practicing voodoo comes in handy no matter what certain scientists say!

5. Carefully consider what your lifestyle is like BEFORE getting a pet like turtles for instance! Do not leave them behind if say you plan on going to another galaxy!

4. Be careful what you create Dr. Frankenstein! (COUGH Hoffan serum COUGH retrovirus!)

3. There are three types of patients out there: Type A are those who follow your rules and do whatever you say to recover best. (Like Teyla for example). Type B consists of the whiners and drama queens who come to the infirmary on a gurney for a splinter. They are the loudest and more difficult patients. (Oh I don't know McKay ring a bell). Type C are the most difficult to deal with. They tend to get the grandest injuries and down play everything. They have a hero complex most times! (Cough cough Sheppard cough)

2. Do not under any circumstances make house calls!!!!!!!

1. Always have a stash of pointy needles ready! They are great for persuasion.


	23. Signs a mission has gone badly

List for Saturday March 17, 2007

TOP TEN SIGNS A MISSION HAS GONE BADLY

10. Stepping through the gate and suddenly your gut starts to send of little red flags about the place!

9. Someone gets injured

8. Jumper is shot down for any number of reasons

7. Shifty natives that scream SUSPICIOUS

6. The Genii show up—Add 10 points if it's Kolya and Co.

5. Teyla's spidey sense alerts you to the fact that they wraith are nearby

4. Getting Stunned

3. Getting shot at

2. Gate fails to work properly (Imagine that?!)

1. Ending up in a cage or cell of some kind!


	24. Hopelessly Obsessed

List for Sunday March 18, 2007

TOP SEVENTEEN REASONS THAT YOU KNOW YOU ARE HOPELESSLY OBSESSED WITH SGA INCLUDE

17. You read fan fiction

16. You write and post fan fiction

15. You make videos about SGA and post them on Youtube

14. You post on an SGA forum

13. You are having thoughts about being a pilot or dating a flyboy

12. You have ALL of the available SGA DVD's

11. You tape each episode and re-watch it several hundred times

10. You understand Rodney's techno babble

9. You want to become an astrophysicist when you grow up

8. You go to the conventions

7. You love to wear red shirts all of the time

6. You anxiously await new eppies and go through with drawl during the mid season break!

5. You get on any random SGA site and goof off instead of doing important things like homework and actual work.

4. Whenever anything related to the lost city of Atlantis comes up in general discussion your thoughts immediately turn to the show and the Atlantis expedition team.

3. You work in quotes from the show into everyday conversation

2. Eat lots of turkey sandwiches and blue jello

1. Crack up hysterically whenever you see a lemon!


	25. Weirdest Worlds

A/N: Whew ok, here is today's update then! Wow, four in one go, I really should try to stick to schedule but it's not my fault I was gone and could post!! Ok, on with the list for today Monday March 19, 2007

TOP TEN WEIRDEST WORLDS

10. Spiky-hair world—apparently those with spiky hair were considered gods. John didn't hear the end of it from Rodney for a couple weeks after that! Something about having to be a Kirk on every planet they visited.

9. Magic Conch world—the people only listened to what it gave as its reply. They were told to not trade with the Atlanteans. Rodney threw a fit because it was only a stupid conch. That resulted in the natives getting really angry and chasing them back to the gate chucking coconuts at them.

8. Women World—Teyla was the only one treated with respect and Rodney was almost killed for insubordination because he talked too much. That one was interesting to get out of! Apparently men only existed to serve the whims of the women. Sheppard was the object of a large cat fight over him. (More kirking comments from Rodney followed this one)

7. Iratus Worshipper World—Yeah this one was just creepy in so many ways!

6. Nude World—SGA 4 had an interesting time explaining that when they got back without any clothes. (Apparently they were burned by the natives who frowned upon them. let's just say the Atlanteans didn't put them on their most favorite trading planets list)

5. Pink and Fuzzy things world—Ahh scarred for life!

4. Bald world—Hmm who got to the gate faster? Ronon or John? Both wanted to protect and keep their lovely locks.

3. Musical world—everything was set to music and had dance routines. The team discovered that Ronon and Rodney should NEVER sing again. They couldn't hold a tune to save their lives.

2. Clown world—it's a circus out there! John ran back to the gate really really really fast!

1. Lemon world—Rodney went into shock on this one!


	26. Infirmary Time

_Author's Note: Okies, I am sorry to disappoint, but I need to change my posting schedule to 'frequently'. I just do not have the time to post everyday as track is picking up momentum and I have a couple of other things I am involved in so I won't be posting quite as much, but I'll still post of course! Okies, that's enough of my own spiel that I am sure you all wanted to know about! _

_On with Today's list for Friday March 23, 2007: _

**Top Ten Signs that You Spend Too Much Time in the Infirmary:**

10. Your charms no longer have any effect what-so-ever on the medical staff.

9. You know all of the medical staff on a first name basis and upon entering the infirmary are asked 'So what did you do _this_ time?'

8. You know as many names of medical equipment and their purposes as most doctors.

7. The difference between the regular pain medicines and Carson's 'good' stuff is very noticeable to you.

6. You hold the record for the most unique injuries.

5. You have tried to sneak out so many times you don't even try anymore because it is a given that you will get caught! (Someone could write a book on your exploits)

4. You spend more time resting here than in your quarters.

3. You know the exact number of ceiling tiles there are. (Cos you've counted—oh once, twice, a million times now)

2. You file is four times bigger than any other patient and you are a case study for other similar situations.

1. There is a plaque with your name engraved in it mounted on the bed you use whenever you visit.

Hmm….I think most if not all of these probably apply to Sheppard. Wow, that's pretty funny, at least I think so! Hee hee

_(Oh and all of the lovely reviews were very nice! I think I got my first flame though. Someone pointed out how lists technically are not allowed. Well I have gotten 147 positive reviews so I am not going to let one bad one make me stop!!! Mwwhahahaha)_


	27. Craziest Customs

Author's Note: Well, since I got such wonderful feedback for my 'Weirdest Worlds' list I decided to continue along the same lines for this one: So here is the list for today, Sunday March 25, 2007

TOP TEN CRAZIEST CUSTOMS:

_Throughout the team's travels, they have encountered the gamut of human civilizations. They've seen the silly people, talked with the freaky ones, and met the scary beyond all reason natives that one never hopes to meet again. So, one a boring afternoon the gang decided to make a list of the wackiest customs that they have had to partake in while trying to 'make nice' in the Pegasus galaxy while traveling off-world. This list shows two things. One, that some worlds need to get out more and two when McKay, Sheppard, and Ronon have too much free time the results can be just disturbing. (Teyla didn't partake in this list because she had been with her people at the time). The list was then posted on the community bulletin board in the Rec room for all to see._

To All Personnel:

Words of the wise: All of you that have traveled off-world will attest to some of the more unusual customs and peculiarities of different people out there. We have taken it upon ourselves to compile a list of our top ten craziest customs in hopes that we can enlighten some newbies and give a general heads up for the rest of you. So for you enjoyment here is what we came up with:

10. On MYW-845 the natives were great except for a little issue they had with clearing your throat before you speak. (That was a must—Loud and proud all the way) Note to self: Bring lots of cough drops if you visit them.

9. On Z32-052 the people had a strange and slightly childish custom. Here in order to speak one has to put their finger on their nose. (_R: It was like kindergarten all over again_)

8. On GSC-381 the villagers were really nice but very soft spoken. Let's just say Rodney didn't have an easy time on this mission. (_R: Hey! I resent that_. S: Well it's true. **Rn: Hee Hee**) Anyway, they only spoke in a whisper. If you talked louder than that it was the utmost insulting thing you could do.

7. On TR3-495 where world words back talk must you. (S: Let's just say it was hard and Rodney didn't help much)

6. On FMW-093 we met some interesting people. When they talked they stuck their tongue out. Apparently if you didn't you were considered to by lying and holding something back. (_R: Yeah Sheppard looked retarded trying to go through the whole 'We come in peace thing'_. **Rn: But you were twice as stupid looking**. _R!?!)_

5. On MCD-253 was just plain gross. In this civilization, the farther you could hock a loogie the better. (S: Geese Ronon That was just gross _R: Yeah the big guy set a new record for them with that one)_

4. On MXR-592 the natives were very touchy-feely. We had to sit in a big circle and all hold hands to accomplish the whole 'meet and greet' thing. (_R: Yeah the female leaders all tried to sit next to Sheppard. Can you say Kirk? _**Rn: Yeah remember how they all tried to sit away from you too? **_R: I resent that!_ S: Nice one big guy! And Rodney: It's a gift. _R: Hmphf_!

3. On RC4-229 lived the Poetricians. They only talked in rhyme and did it all of the time. It was not fun and annoyed everyone. Rodney's rhymes sucked, and Ronon pretended to upchuck. We tried to be friends, but in the end we couldn't take any more of their damn rhymes! (_R: Yeah Sheppard, you suck at rhyming!_ S: At least I could string together a few sentences.(See Above) You fumbled over a few phrases! **Rn: Yes McKay's silence was nice**.)

2. On VLS-683 we encountered some very talented albeit odd people. They didn't walk around like you or I. They hopped everywhere. Somehow we don't see them lasting long in a wraith culling, but man would they be good in a three-legged race. (**Rn: What's a three legged race? If we'd had more time I would've taught them Satedan Capture the Flag.** S: Ha that'd been good too!)

1. On ZSP-593 was strange. The people must have had really great upper body strength in order to do this. Anyway, they only walked on their hands. (_R: Pity Carson didn't come on this one. He would have fit right in with all the freaks. _S: At least he could have done it, you kept falling over every two seconds. **Rn: I don't see what was so hard about it. Teyla and I were just fine. Maybe you two should practice**. S/R!!!!)

--Hope this helps and Happy Offworld Travels—

Dr. Rodney McKay, Lt. Col John Sheppard, Specialist Ronon Dex

a/n2: Ok so I had a little more free time than usual and I made this list more of a fic instead of a plain list. Just know that not all will be as beefed up as this, but I felt like trying to do it a little different! Yep, you can look forward to more soon cos in four days I am on spring break and I totally plan on updating all of my fics. Yep ALL of them so watch out! Hee hee---Lemons--


	28. Stupidest Comments

a/n: This one is a product of having a little too much alone time this spring break. I have been cooped up in my house for six days now doing crappy projects for school even though I am on spring break. What's wrong with that picture? I don't know ALL OF IT. Ok, anyway here's a new chappie for you guys. Hope you all enjoy it as much as I did while writing it. I think I need help. Oh well (One WEEK ONE till new eppies start Yay!!!!!!!

TOP TEN STUPIDEST COMMENTS:

**10--sga--**

**One evening a certain Lt. was planning on meeting one of the hotter female scientists on a secluded balcony. He beat her to it and walked out to find it occupied by none other than his boss and his boss's boss making out rather passionately. Sheppard and Weir immediately brake apart when they see him enter.**

**Lt: _whistles then realizes neither look real happy…'_Oh crap.'**

**Sheppard: 'I would leave now if I were you Lt.'**

**Lt: 'Yeah I think I am gonna go wash my brain out with soap now.'**

**Sheppard: 'Sounds like a plan…. I'm sure you can find some industrial strength stuff somewhere.'**

**_Lt: backing away nodding _'Colonel….Dr. Weir'**

9--sga--

_The team plus a field medic is headed back to the gate after having an unproductive meeting with the locals. They had been trying to trade medicines for food. Let's just say the locals didn't like the Atlantean voodoo they brought with them. It is a really long way back to the gate though._

Medic: 'I spy with my little eye' _looks around at surroundings. They are in an open field but he sees something glinting in the sunlight._ 'Something shiny.'

McKay: 'Shiny?'

Sheppard _looks around and yells at them_: 'Get down!'

_Arrows whiz overhead._

Medic: It appears we are under fire!

McKay: You think?!? Thank you Dr. Obvious.

**8--sga--**

**_One afternoon the entire control room team was compromised of women and they started discussing their favorite males of the expedition; one in particular._**

**Techie 1: 'Yeah but his hair is sooo cute.'**

**Techie 2: 'I know the rakish look is totally hot.'**

**Techie 3: 'Have you seen his butt?'**

**Techie 4: 'We can't forget the smile either. Oh… I'd die for that smile to be directed at me!'**

**Weir _comes into the control room from her office_: 'Umm…you realize you are on citywide don't you?'**

**Techie 2: 'Oh…' _stops leaning on the control panel._**

**Weir: But I do agree he does have a killer smile.**

**_The whole room starts cracking up_.**

_**Sheppard and McKay are in the mess. They along with the rest of the city have just heard that whole thing.**_

**Sheppard: Ok…that was weird. **

**McKay: Hmm**

**Sheppard: Why are you staring at my hair?**

**McKay: It is rakish… so you never did answer Lucius's question. How do you get your hair to go like that?**

**Sheppard _realizing they were talking about him:_ Oh crap.**

**Lorne _walking by:_ Nice butt sir.**

**Sheppard: Can it major!**

7--sga--

Marine _while sparring with Ronon_: So when are you gonna ask her?

Ronon: What?

Marine: Come on its obvious….you and Teyla.

Ronon: Mind your own business.

Marine: Sure……….but you two are so great together.

_Ronon proceeds to beat the crap outta him. He heads towards the gym door and turns back to the marine lying on the mat in pain._

Ronon: Hmm thanks for the advice I'll think about it. Like I said earlier though…mind your own business.

Marine _on the mat grunts back and give him a thumbs up_: Sure….no prob big guy.

**6--sga--**

_**In an extra lab some scientists are examining new artifacts brought back by Lorne's team on their last mission. They aren't making much headway. The first one is investigating some boxy looking thing covered in buttons.**_

**Scientist 1: I wonder what this button does…._he presses it and the boxy thing starts humming_……HIT THE DECK!**

'**BOOM'. _The whole thing explodes just as the two dive out of the way. _ **

**Scientist 2: I guess we now know what NOT to press.**

**Scientist 1: You're not going to tell McKay about this are you? _Both shudder_**

**Scientist 2: I won't if you won't.**

5--sga--

_The team and some marines are camping out on a potential beta site planet._

Marine 1: Eww what is this stuff? _Stares suspiciously at his bowl_

Marine 2: I think it's called 'Tuttle root soup'.

Marine 1: More like 'Tuttle poop soup.'

Marine 2: Ahh I wouldn't mention that to the chief.

Marine 1: Why who made it?

Teyla: I did. _She walks over to the two marines. _

Marine 2: Oh look at the time….. I have guard duty now. Good luck buddy. _He jumps up and leaves quickly._

Marine 1: Oh…hi Teyla. Just kidding about the whole Tuttle poop soup. It's really great. _Struggles to swallow a spoonful._

Teyla: Oh…then here have seconds. _She adds twice as much to his bowl._

**4--sga--**

**Newb 1: What that funny ringing noise. **

**Newb 2: Yeah it's starting to get pretty annoying.**

**McKay: You morons! That's the alarm bell!**

**McKay _muttering to himself:_ The kind of help the Daedalus sends these days.**

3--sga--

Newbie scientist: Ahh I keep hearing these voices inside my head. I think I am going crazy Doctor.

Dr. Heightmeyer: Umm. That's your comm. link.

Newb: Oh….well that explains a lot.

**2--sga--**

**Techie: 'Uh…a bunch of flashing red dots just appeared on the screen. Is that a bad thing?'**

**McKay: 'YES that's a bad thing. Those are wraith hive ships. And they're headed this way!'**

1--sga--

_Sheppard, McKay, and another scientist are headed back in a jumper after investigating an unidentified object floating four hours outside their planet's atmosphere. They still have two hours to go until they get back and things are heating up between Sheppard and the scientist. For once McKay is being quiet working on his data pad while watching the exchange._

Scientist: Are we there yet?

Sheppard: No

Scientist: Can I drive?

Sheppard: No

Scientist: Colonel…can I call you John?

Sheppard: NO!

Scientist _in a whiny voice_: I'm hungry.

Sheppard _almost at end of his rope_: SHUT…UP….please

Scientist: Hey…that's not very nice!...So how much longer are we talking?

Sheppard: Rodney stop laughing. This ISN'T funny!

McKay: You're right…it isn't funny….it's freakin' hilarious.

Sheppard: That's it! Do I need to pull this jumper over?


	29. Best Pranks

Top Ten Best Pranks Pulled On Atlantis:

List for Tuesday May 29, 2007

These resulted from being cooped up on the city for too long and have been documented in the Atlantis files. They also are a series of revenge plots in a way!

10 Someone got the bright idea to put black dye in all of the scientists' coffee pots so that anyone who felt compelled to drink a cup of coffee in the morning ended up black mouths. However there were varying shades of darkness. You had the slightly dark teeth and gums from the casual one cup drinkers to the 'oh my gosh did you eat coal?' black mouths like McKay who downs an entire pot before breakfast. The funny thing is most of them didn't notice until it was pointed out by some of the kinder people on the base. Most of the marines however just stared at them and snickered some. In Sheppard's case he couldn't stay in the same room as Rodney and gave up the game during their briefing. Let's just stay Elizabeth was not too happy. (She had a black mouth as well.)

9. The same anonymous person who dyed all the coffee took a leaf out of Radek's book when they decided to release blue dye into all the showers. After hearing Zelenka threaten everyone with cold water for a week, the prankster managed to sneak the dye in. Let's just say everyone knew who hadn't showered because they had escaped looking like a smurf.

8. One Christmas morning Elizabeth Weir found her office all decked out in decorations, especially her windows. Someone had taken the time to draw Christmas pictures and winter scenes on all of the glass windows that surrounded her office. However it didn't stop there, at Valentine's Day the windows were covered in hearts, and when Easter rolled around so did the many pictures of Easter eggs that filled her windows. By then she had gotten pretty fed up with not knowing who the culprit was so she hid out in her office and to her delight caught the sneaky vandals. Turns out Sheppard and Lorne were pretty artsy craftsy and had a little too much free time.

7. Someone (Cough. Cough.) found McKay sleeping in his lab one afternoon while stopping in to see if he wanted lunch. However, Rodney's head was using his data pad as a pillow and he was still clutching the stylus he had been using before falling asleep. Apparently the scientist had pulled an all-nighter again, well they got the bright idea to mess with the scientist and after spotting some super glue on Rodney's desk proceeded to glue the stylus the scientist was still clutching to his hand. Another symbol of how much of a geek McKay really was. Well when Rodney woke up he was a little freaked out to say the least.

6. McKay got his revenge latter on that week while at the weekly briefing. A certain military commander who was supposed to be paying attention fell asleep again, setting a new record for fasted time zoning out at a meeting, while Rodney was droning on and on about some new thing that was going to change the way they ran Atlantis, basically it was his device of the week. Well Rodney wanted payback and he and Ronon proceeded to give the colonel a little makeover with some of the dry erase markers that were in the room. The amusing thing is that Elizabeth and Teyla actually chipped in a bit by providing some of their make-up/ Yep John looked rather interesting when he showed up for his military briefing with Lorne and co afterwards.

5. Now of course John had to get back at Rodney for getting back at him and did so about a week later. He was rather sneaky and managed to 'borrow' a box of exam gloves from the infirmary and cleverly filled them with water thus making his own water balloons. All he had to do now was pick some targets and chuck some homemade water balloons. His list was as follows: McKay, Lorne, Ronon, McKay, newbie military, McKay, Beckett, McKay…… Well he got Lorne who wanted to join in and Ronon managed to get both of them instead. Well the runner joined the other two and they finished off the list getting Rodney for the fifth time that day when Elizabeth put a stop to their antics. Rodney was not amused at changing clothes five times that day either.

4. McKay got his revenge by goosing one of the chefs into collaborating with him to make a birthday cake for Sheppard. They surprised him with it at lunch on his special day shocking the entire mess since the pilot had keep the occasion pretty low key telling nobody. Well John was doubly surprised when the devious dessert exploded on him when he tired to cut into it. Well an icing and cake covered colonel ended up chasing a cowering McKay out of the mess after wiping the dessert out of his face. Let's just say it was a birthday to remember by all. Ronon enjoyed eating the remains of the cake though while his two teammates fought elsewhere in the city.

3. Someone (Cough. Cough. Chuck) sneakily took control of the citywide speakers for an afternoon and decided to play DJ picking the most annoying songs ever created to blast for the entire city to hear. It took a while to figure out it was him because McKay was offworld with Zelenka and nobody suspected Chuck for some reason. Lesson learned that day: don't underestimate smiling Canadian gate technicians.

2. Sheppard decided to get revenge on McKay for the cake incident and managed to get a hold of ten creates of lemons, five whip cream filled pies, and a bunch of yellow construction paper. He decorated McKay's office to look like the inside of a lemon with lemons all over the place. Then when McKay entered the pies struck him all over and a whipped cream coated Rodney fled to the infirmary to make sure he didn't react to anything. He also refused to go into his office for a week until it was cleaned up.

1. McKay was pretty mad at Sheppard after that and a few weeks later found something that would make sweet revenge on the pilot. In one of the labs he ran across the ancient version of hair dye. After some tweaking Rodney had perfected it so that it was extra strength and long lasting. McKay covertly snuck into the pilot's room and added some to the shampoo bottle that was in the shower. The next morning the spiky haired colonel showed up for the morning staff meeting with bubblegum pink hair and was not happy about it. The got plenty of laughs from everyone including Caldwell who showed up four days later. Unfortunately Sheppard's hair was still hot pink then.

--------Author's Note---------

Okie dokie I know that an update has been a lot time coming, but I sort of ran out of free time and ideas so I am going to close with fic for now. If I have anymore ideas later or any worthwhile requests I might reopen up the fic and add to it, but quite frankly I am all out of ideas now. I want to thank you for all of your reviews, they were so nice and I really enjoyed reading them!

--Lemons--


	30. Bonus: SGA is AMAZING

_Bonus chapter that I came up with randomly at 12:19 am. Hopefully it isn't too terrible. Wednesday July 11, 2007_

TOP TEN REASONS WHY SGA IS AMAZING

11. Worth waiting forever for new eppies, but once they come out being glued to your TV for an hour while you watch the best show ever!

10. Crazy awesome fans that fully support the show! Great and active fandom!

9. The costumes and make up jobs are legendary!

8. The special effects rock! Even when every world looks eerily like the forest of Vancouver, the CGI totally makes up for it! The sets rock too! Atlantis is soo pretty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. The guest stars are amazingly good at what they do!

6. It's full of ridiculously attractive people put in absurd situations. (Umm Shep's hair hello??????)

5. The comedy is soooo funny. You know it's good show when it makes you laugh and the dialogue is quotable.

4. The writing is amazing. The story arcs are well thought out and the plots are full of unexpected twists and turns.

3. The villains rock. Being bad was never so cool!

2. The pop culture references thrown in, really ground the show making it almost seem realistic. One really thinks that the Pegasus galaxy exists way out there and contains the lost city of Atlantis. (Well maybe)

1. The emotions that the show evokes are many and really show the depth of SGA. It'll make you laugh, cry, freak out, and squee.


	31. Bonus: Lessons from Season Three

Bonus II: Thursday July 12, 2007

TOP TEN THINGS I LEARNED FROM SEASON THREE

11. The Retrovirus was a bad bad idea! Michael and the Super Bugs! Shoulda listened to Ronon

10. Never ever play a 'traditional Satedan game' without knowing all of the rules BEFORE playing. Learning as you go is rather painful.

9. 2 McKay's are NOT always better than one.

8. Lorne paints enough said.

7. If plan A fails, there's always good old plan D.

6. Teyla likes someone! (Spanky spanky spanky come on pretty please!!!)

5. There is more to the wraith that we do NOT know: example "The Gift of Life"

4. Atlantis CAN fly with only one ZPM. (The question is how far?)

3. Chuck's name had been confirmed!

2. John was MARRIED.

And the number one thing that I learned from the third season is:

1. McKay's FULL name. _**MEREDITH**_ RODNEY MCKAY


	32. Bonus: Out for the Count

List for: Tuesday July 31, 2007

_A/N: Yep another one hee hee. This came as a result of reading a fic by Kodiak Bear Country "Warning: This job is Hazardous to Your Health". It contains a certain line that made me really want to do another list, plus was overall hilarious, so uh anyway here goes:_

Chapter 32- **The Team's Top Ten Least Favorite Ways of Being Rendered Unconscious**

10. "Manly Hunger"

9. Massive Blood Loss (Of course massive injury seems to coincide with this one as well.)

8. Blow to the head (Umm Ouch!)

7. Ronon's Gun (Hence another reason why NOT to make Conan mad)

6. Drugged Food (Hee hee Rodney and Ronon are victims of that all the time, you'd think they'd learn!?!)

5. Drugged Drink (Again big celebratory feasts are not always what they are cracked up to be)

4. Hypoxia (Pleasant ain't it?)

3. Wraith Stunner (The one perk being you get to join the Pins and Needle's Club, Warning this is NOT a sewing group) ((Unfortunately this seems to happen often))

2. Activating an ancient device only to have the self defense mechanism target you as a potential enemy and Poof, one flash of light later find yourself down for the count.

1. Native Knock-Out Darts (Oh yeah fun stuff eyerolls)

0. (Neither positive nor negative and up for consideration) Carson's "Good Stuff"


	33. Regarding the IOA

Top Ten Things They Want to Tell the IOA

_Author's Note: I'm BACK…….Well, after the departure of Elizabeth I felt the show shifted a bit. I lost my will to keep up the lists. But, since we only have TEN more episodes left, EVER, of the show I felt it was time to revisit it. Hee hee (evil grins) so beware I might still have a few ideas up my sleeves. This particular one comes from a suggestion from forever ago. Big thanks to Sparkyshimmer2010 for the tip. I thought it merited a list indeed._

Top Ten (Or So) Things They Want to Tell the IOA

15. LALALALALA Not listening. (Runs away singing, with fingers in their ears).

14. Let me introduce you to this thing called a PERSONALITY. It's a novel idea.

13. Somebody certainly woke up on the wrong side of the bed and has their panties in a twist.

12. "You're FIRED" ala Donald Trump

11. No. Just No.

10. Bring back Sam. NOW!

9. Back off you overbearing, meddling, and indecisive control freaks!

8. You are completely and utterly wrong.

7. Yo' Mamma. (In any language)...

6. Do you own any other clothes besides suits?

5. DIE!

4. Grow a backbone already and then we'll talk.

3. I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts; here they are standing in a row. Big ones, small ones, some as big as you HEAD!

2. What manual? Seriously, when did you say not to do _that_?

1. Rules we don't need no stinkin' rules!

0. Just out of curiosity, who hired you again? Not like I want to go hit them or anything.

--TBC--

Mwahahahahahahahha!


	34. Woolsey's Book

Top Ten Things Written in Woolsey's "Book"

--Because who else wonders what he writes in that thing? And since when do we ever see people on Atlantis carry around a notebook? With actual paper?--

12. Notes for his eventual bestselling book, "Rules and Why They Work"—A Study by the esteemed Richard Woolsey.

11. Journal entries_—"Today I got stuck in a transporter. It took Dr. Zelenka four hours to get me out."_

10. Complaints_—"Why don't more people follow this rule?"_

9. "To Do List"

8. Tally list for every time McKay complains about something

7. Items he believes should be requisitioned _(Like more comfy suits and ugly ties)_

6. Reassuring reasons for why he loves his job _(It's rewarding….I'm in a cool city….uhhh)_

5. Reminders on where things are—so he stops getting lost _(Take a left at the foot of the stairs, go down six corridors, turn right, two doors down turn left)_

4. Directions on how to open doors (especially those pesky conference room ones) (_I Think I Can. I Think I Can..)_

3. Obscure Quote of the Day_—"Holding onto anger is like grasping onto a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else. You are the one who gets burned. --__**Gautama Buddha**__"_

2. Amendments to the "Rule" book i.e. protocol changes (_Tweak 1.2.5.b.ii_)

1. Food Diary of what he ate that day.


	35. What He Brought and Forgot

Top Ten Things Woolsey Brought to Atlantis with Him and one thing he forgot

10. 10 ft. Mahogany Conference table

9. A suit for every day of the month—with corresponding ties of course

8. A third of his wine cellar

7. A case full of note pads and pens, blue ones

6. Library of classical music

5. 'Great Big Book of Every IOA Rule' manual

4. Anthology of Obscure Famous Quotes and Their Authors

3. Plenty of Old Spice extra strength

2. Ear plugs—for the infamous McKay rants

1. Security Blanket—for those long nights alone or times of distress

What did he forget? Oh Rogaine of course! Maybe he'll find an ancient machine that can give him more hair?!

_--Yep, sort of in a Woolsey vein right now! Thanks for the reviews I've been getting lately!_


	36. Richard and Todd

Top Ten Things That Went Through Woolsey's Mind

_What exactly did he think about during the minute that didn't count as his life hung in the balance? What about the rest of the conversation where he had to listen to Todd and John deliberate? Spoilers for 'The Lost Tribe.' _

10. I'm going to die. But I still have so much to offer to human kind! I've got a groundbreaking book in the works.

9. Maybe I should have not been so stubborn and let Sheppard come on this again—then I'd be on the other end of the transmission.

8. Wow, Todd has a firm grip; the other wraith too. Oh boy, I'm not getting out of this am I?

7. This most definitely does NOT count towards the minute. It better not!

6. Wonder if this device that Todd seems so afraid off has anything to do with Dr. Jackson's research?

5. What a manicure! Todd's nails are so…pointy.

4. Todd is completely lying, SURE he's going to return the ship. We are dead….So dead!

3. Eww, I'm being hugged by a wraith. He smells weird.

2. Wait? Atlantis was attacked? I can't leave them alone for a whole day!

1. I feel so short and helpless. Are all Wraith this tall?

0. I've never seen a feeding hand so close up before. I think I'm going to be sick!

-1. I wonder if I can get to my luggage. I knew I shouldn't have worn white underwear.


	37. Playlist of a Five Year Old

Double Top Ten--Plus Five--Scenarios and their Respective Disney Music Compliments aka Playlist of a Five Year Old:

_Author's Note: I think I broke TWO rules of fan-fiction in this chapter. It's a list AND a song-fic of sorts…..Oh well! Don't ask what this spawned from. I really don't have a good answer what so ever! _

25. The Expedition stepping through the gate the first time: "A Whole New World"………"_A thousand things to see/I'm like a shooting star, I've come so far, I can't go back to where I used to be…"_

24. Teyla showing the team her world for the first time as she attempts to explain some of the customary Pegasus ways of life and reactions. Cue background music: "Colors of the Wind" (Come ON I can SO see her singing that! It'd be pretty too!)

23. John from Antarctic reject to Atlantis' Military Commander hee hee: "Zero to Hero" (Not that he was ever a zero, but _some_ people didn't like him…)

22. Sparky growing slowly, but at first only the others realize something is going on. It takes the two in question a while, but neither truly admit it, but there is no disputing what exists! Cue Sparky theme music: "Something There that wasn't there before"

21. It takes a special person to survive as a Runner for any length of time. Outlasting the wraith, hopping for world to world, living off the barest supplies, and never staying in one place for too long; cue Ronon's theme music for those seven years of running: "Go the Distance" ………_"I will find my way, I can go the distance…."_

20. John teaching Rodney to pilot a jumper and all of the hard work finally pays off. Not that McKay can fly in a straight line, but cue background music: "You Can Fly! You Can Fly!"

19. Kolya planning for his attack on the Genii government. Just imagine him in his lair, preparing his faithful for his upcoming Coup on Cowen. Cue ominous theme music (Of course Ladon steals his thunder): "Be Prepared!"……………._"Prepare for the Coup of the century/king undisputed, respected, saluted, seen for the wonder I am!..."_

18. After the Genii reveal their true colors, and betray them ANOTHER time, the team start to pick up on a little pattern. Cue the background music: "It's a Small World after all"

17. Beneath all of the snide comments, the jabs at each other, the sarcasm, the practical jokes, and banter lies a strong friendship between Rodney and John. Cue their theme music: "Friend Like Me"

16. John and Elizabeth on their balcony, at any time, cue THEIR theme music: "Can you feel the love tonight?"

15. Sometimes Rodney finds himself stuck in the wilderness with only Ronon to protect him. Ronon, of course, after all his years as a runner, knows a thing or two about surviving with little or nothing. Cue the background music as he educates his teammate: "The Bare Necessities"

14. During the height of the fight against Peg. Replicators, Oberoth seemed to have an extremely strong desire to wipe out and control all the human populations, not to mention Atlantis. Cue this theme music (so appropriate too…): "Mine, Mine, Mine"

13. The Wraith seem to adore their Hive Queens and apparently have trouble functioning without them. They will even die for their Queen, who they feel must rule them. Cue their hive queen theme music: "A Girl Worth Fighting For_"….."I want her paler than the moon, with eyes that shine like stars….."_

12. The gang chillin' together! Be they kicking back or kicking butt, but doing SOMETHING together as a family, not worried too much at all. Cue this scenario's music: "Hakuna Matata"

11. The always oily and soothsaying Lucius anytime he attempts to worm his way into something—especially when he has his precious herb! Cue his theme music: "Trust in Me"

10. While on Michael's ship, Teyla slowly wins Kanaan back over to the "good" side as she reminds him who he is. It takes some time, but finally Kanaan is mostly back in his right state of mind. Cue theme music: "Beauty and the Beast"

9. Simply to lighten the dark mood of Search and Rescue, as Rodney, heroically delivers Torren, the smooth tones of this song plays as McKay holds up the babe, "Circle of Life"

8. The final moments of Ghost in the Machine as John realizes that "Fran" really contains the mind and heart of Elizabeth. The two locks eyes and share one final moment before Elizabeth leads the other replicators through the gate. In this final goodbye hopefully not the background music quietly filters in, growing louder: "You'll Be in My Heart"

7. During the lovely Quarantine, Ronon and Keller had some nice "alone-time." After the failed "Jaws" break-out scheme, they sit side by side in the infirmary. Cue the background music: "Kiss the Girl"

6. Sometime during Rodney's stint in the back of a sinking jumper, the head injury completely got to him and he started to see brightly colored fish and musically inclined creatures who serenaded him with a version of: "Under the Sea"

5. Even though Rodney considers Carson to be one of his best friends, that small fact doesn't stop the astrophysicist from teasing the MD about his "voodoo skills." He also refers to Carson's extra –strength pain drugs as "the good stuff," that only is administered after a serious patching up. Cue Carson's theme while is heavy duty "Doctor-Mode" as he works his "magic" in the infirmary: "Bibbidi-Bobbibi-Boo"

4. At any given offworld mission where the team is required to sit down to another Harvest ceremony, on another back-water planet. The table is set with local faire, the villagers are opening up after some glasses of local moonshine, and the team is coaxed to take part in their meal. Cue background music: "Be Our Guest"

3. It's common knowledge just how strongly Kavanaugh dislikes the leadership of others. and, everyone certainly recognizes the power trip he is on. Cue HIS theme music: "Oh, I just can't WAIT to be king." (Why, oh WHY didn't Weir make him governor of his own little deserted planet back in Season one?)

2. Striving to maintain productive 'gate operations, Chuck plays the role of supreme technician in the control room. He runs diagnostics, mans the shield, and maintains normal 'gate functions. He's the Walter of Atlantis, only better! Cue his theme music: "Whistle While you work!"

1. Commonly, the duty of training new recruits fell upon Ronon's capable shoulders as he took it upon himself to "educate" new soldiers to some of the basic Pegasus galaxy peculiarities. Knowing they were more than competent by Earth standards, Ronon also wanted to make sure they would survive out in this galaxy. Cue music as the 'dreads and fists start flying: "I'll make a man out of you."………."_Let's get down to business. To defeat the—_insert enemy_—did they send me daughters when I asked for sons? You're the saddest bunch I ever met……"_

_A/N 2: For any of these you DON'T recognize, it is a good excuse to go revisit some __**classic**__ Disney tunes :D _

_Tsk Tsk, shame on you though!_


	38. Geek Sitting

Top Ten 'Do's' and 'Don'ts' of Geek-sitting:

(Posted on the notice board in the mission prep room)

--Attention all military types! Since you commonly get stuck escorting scientists on offworld missions, it's important to know some basic tips for watching/protecting your "geek." Keeping these in mind will help to preserve some of your sanity and bring everyone back home in relatively one piece.--

10. Don't think that you can get out of geek-sitting duty by appealing. It won't work, and you'll just get stuck with more as punishment. Not every mission can be exciting and dangerous. (_Actually, many milk-run missions go pear-shaped so your odds of action are good.)_

9. Do try to keep your geek up to date on basic training. This way, when you inevitably get caught in a fire-fight with them, they can provide ample distractions as they shoot wildly so you can neutralize the threat._(Although, McKay's aim is getting slightly better.)_

8. Don't ever let your geek take point, they will probably lead you into a trap, fall down a hole, or wind up swinging upside down—yelling loudly for you to get them down. _(When this happens, you don't always have to rush though…safety first!)_

7. Do remind them that sometimes it's not worth the risk of losing a life simply to try and retrieve some data from a fallen data pad.

6. Don't forget to figure out what motivates your geek; be it something they are afraid off, flattery, sarcastic jabs at their intelligence…… _(Creating impossible situations that play on McKay's ego always work well.)_

5. Do keep your geek on task; otherwise your three hour mission turns into six FUN-Filled-Hours of geek-sitting. _(Takin' Care of Business…..)_

4. Don't make them too angry on an offworld mission, because they can mess with complicated systems to Gerry-rig a source of retribution. (_They are Geeks after all…you don't want to end up without hot water for a week.)_

3.Do be carefully of what your geek gets into, and always be prepared to run if what they are messing with seems like it's about to blow up. (_There are some obvious signs; blinking lights, smoking consoles, blaring alarms, strange energy readings that seem to be building up. They all mean Run fast—NOW!) _

2. Don't annoy your geek TOO much, because sometimes they do come up with brilliant plans to save everyone's collective hides. (_Some teasing is not only permissible, but required to motivate your geek)._

1. Don't EVER let your geek die—especially if you are guarding a geek that doesn't belong to you!

--By following some of these handy hints, your offworld missions should go smoother to a certain degree. Remember, finding new geeks is not as easy as it seems, so let's try to return them in one piece if possible. --


	39. Misson Reports

Top Ten Helpful Hints for Writing a Mission Report

Since many of you end up writing mission reports detailing your exploits off world, we as the senior staff felt it necessary to put out some helpful hints to use when writing. We know that you don't want to go into every nitty-gritty detail for what happened out there—whether to keep yourself or someone else out of trouble or are just plain lazy. So, we've compiled some tips and tricks for writing abbreviated mission reports that will fool anyone that doesn't know what you are talking about. Cheers! –Senior Staff—

10. "Less is more." The key is to explain what happened in as few words as possible. Nobody wants to read a twenty-page, in-depth analysis of your babysitting mission to another backwater planet where you guarded Dr. Whoever for four hours while they studied the local flora. Just cover the main points and be done with it—this also saves paper. You don't want to be a tree killer now do you?

9. "Be Nice." There is absolutely no need to place blame on other team members for stupid things they might have done on a mission. There are a few exceptions, like blowing up an entire solar system for example. Certainly, the person responsible for such a grandiose faux pas should be acknowledged, but BE KIND about it. _Revision by Dr. McKay: "Five-sixths of a solar system!" Can't you let that go already Colonel? I said I was sorry!_

8. "Be Modest." Please do NOT try and beef up your actions to put yourself in a better light. Atlantis already has a few too many cases of large egos. We don't need another self-serving mission fantasy writing participant out there. These are supposed to be nonfiction writings remember?

7. Being thorough is all well and good, but we don't need to know every time someone blinked or went to the bathroom. Keep it relevant people. Remember rule 10.

6. "And I practically died from a giant spear to the ass." Please try to use correct terminology when writing your reports. The correct way to phrase this would be, "And I sustained a minor injury from a protruding arrow to my gluteus maximus." _Revision by Dr. McKay: Colonel, STOP IT. That was a severe injury. I couldn't sit down for a week! (_Yeah, I'm sure it was a "real" pain in the ass Rodney.)

5. "Don't leave out important details." If you happened to make some wonderful discovery, share it! Don't think that asking for a science team to come back and investigate further will diminish your "glory." The whole point of this expedition is to learn things right? Besides, we know what happened from the post-mission briefing, so leaving things out only makes more paperwork for you later. Now if you happened to fall down a hole and ripped your pants, while that is amusing, it's not necessarily what we call "important."

4. "Know your audience." Come on, you DID pass high school English right? (This is mostly for you science folk.) Please do NOT use all the scientific babbledygook when a simple explanation will suffice. Nobody but other geeks really understand what you are saying. How do you expect the IOA to approve research if they can't understand what it's all about? That's just asking for a longer wait and more red tape while they try to decipher your work. _Revision by Dr. McKay: Just because the military doesn't have the brain cells to understand it, doesn't mean you shouldn't be thorough. Don't dumb it down just for them! They're just lazy._

3. Use good grammar. "We was going herr" ain gonna fly herr. Got me? It's called "Spelling and Grammar" check for a reason. Don't you all notice the little red and green squiggly lines under things? _Revision by Dr. McKay: Even Conan learned to write them and he's not even from our galaxy. Your pathetic and botched attempts aren't going to cut it people. it's annoying and lazy!_

2. "Everyone made it out okay for the most part. Only a couple little scratches here and there." Sure, understatement is a strategy used in writing, but please everyone knows what "I'm fine" really means. Death, dying ill or loosing copious amounts of blood is bad. Can't kid a kidder guys! Well, maybe the IOA……

1. TURN THEM IN ON TIME! Please don't make us sic Ronon on you to hunt down your missing mission report. Let's be proactive people. Now, if the city is in turmoil and we're about to die, then it can wait a bit. Or if you are bedridden in the infirmary with some problem then it can wait too. _Revision by Dr. McKay: So what's your excuse Sheppard? I didn't think stupidity was a life-threatening condition.._(I turn my stuff in. Eventually. I've been a little busy lately_.) _

--Hopefully, by keeping these in mind mission reports will go smoother for everyone; easier for you to write and easier for us to read!--

(Author's Note: Sorry guys, I was sick all last week and didn't get much of anything done. Hope you didn't mind the wait _too_ much.)


	40. Things I Learned from Keller

Top Ten Things I learned from Jenifer Keller

11. Don't go touching strange, glowy things.

10. Don't rule out non-traditional methods of things. Legends have basis in truth lots of time! Even "magical" Shrines…

9. Washing your hands doesn't always work for weird alien contaminants.

8. Tell people if you start to feel funny symptoms.

7. Brain surgery can be performed in the most desperate of conditions…like with power tools, in a cave.

6. Dreams can be deadly.

5. Training with Ronon is a good idea.

4. Learn to shoot a gun. It just might save your life when wraith take over your ship.

3. Sometimes people just need a little nudge in the right direction to become braver or more confident—like change from "Missing" to "The Lost Tribe"……..

2. Don't go touching strange glowy things.

1. Always carry a scanner.


	41. Because I Can

Top Nineteen Quotes From Season 4 and 5:

19. **Sheppard**: You know Woolsey wants to send a M.A.L.P. ahead of every transit?  
**McKay**: That's gonna get old fast.  
**Sheppard**: That's what I said.

18.** Sheppard**: I'm going to recommend sending a science team back here to check it out.  
**McKay**: I am a science team!

17. **Keller**: You can't just blast away at vital systems like that! What if you take out the life support system?  
**Ronon**: Don't worry, the life support system is that tray. At least, I'm pretty sure it is.

16.** Larrin**: That's the problem. Does he look like a man who thinks he's going to die?  
_(Nevick looks at Sheppard in the cell, he is half-sitting, half-lying down and looking very bored as he taps his fingers)_

15. **Rodney**: This is an Ancient facility. And Rodney McKay knows a thing or two about Ancient facilities.  
**Daniel**: You know, it has been clinically proven that referring to yourself in the third person is a sign of mental instability, right?  
**Rodney**: Mentally unstable like a fox.

14.** Sheppard**: Standard flyover in the Jumper, scan for lifesigns. Nothing.  
**McKay**: You can't fly around for ten minutes and decide there's nothing here.  
**Sheppard**: Yes I can.

13. **McKay**: You wanna unzip me?  
**Woolsey**: I'll look for a can opener.

12.** McKay**: Whatever. All that I know is that every time I get taken captive, it's the Wraith. Just once, I would like to be taken prisoner by the sexy alien.

11. **McKay**: I think I got a little wetter than you did.  
**Sheppard**: I don't know. I got a little damp dialing the DHD.

10. **Ronon**: You're not quitting on me are you?  
**Sheppard**: No...Yeah well, I was thinking about it.  
**Ronon**: That's not part of the deal.  
**Sheppard**: You keep adding things to that deal of ours.

9. **Teal'c**: Excellent timing.  
**Ronon**: Indeed.

8. **Caldwell**: You beamed a baby into storage?

7. _After Teal'c uses Ronon's blast gun to kill the Wraith attacking him)_  
**Teal'c**: I would very much like to have a weapon such as this.  
**Ronon**: Yeah? Get in line.

6. **Ronon**: He was fed on by the Wraith. That's not a good way to go.  
**Teal'c**: Indeed.  
**Ronon**: You say that a lot.  
**Teal'c**: What?  
**Ronon**: "Indeed".  
**Teal'c**: Do I?  
**Ronon**: Yeah.  
**Teal'c**: I had not noticed.

5. **Sheppard**: How's Ronon?  
**Woolsey**: He has a bruised larynx. Apparently he won't be able to speak for several days.  
**Sheppard**: Wonder if anyone'll notice the difference?

4. **Nancy**: Well, I'm glad you noticed! It's too bad you didn't a little earlier, say when we were still together?! When I think back to all those times when you would just take that call and leave, no apologies, no explanations. For all I knew, you were half-way around the world flying secret missions into Somalia!  
**Sheppard**: That's ridiculous! I've never been to Somalia.  
**Nancy**: North Korea, then!  
**Sheppard**: There's a big difference.  
_(Nancy gives Sheppard a look)_

3. **McKay**: Look, my brain is not some new deck off the back of your house.  
**Sheppard**: I'm not the one doing the surgery.  
**McKay**: _(to Keller)_ Yeah, and as my parting advice, you need to stop letting these guys talk you into doing stupid things!

2. **Sheppard**: _(after being in a Jumper for days)_ Thank god! I almost shot myself with a stunner!  
**Ronon**: I understand

1. **Sheppard**: Wow, new table huh?  
**Teyla**: Woolsey brought it with him. He said he wanted a little piece of home.  
**Sheppard**: 12 ft long mahogany conference table. Hmm.

_--Author's Note: I know right? Super original? Quotes…. Well, I could care less because it's MY birthday and it's MY super special list. Making it was fun. So there! Chapter 40 is the "official" list…….19 quotes for 19 years!_

_Cheers--Lemons_


	42. The Answer to the Ultimate Question

Top Ten Things Rodney Did INSTEAD of Fixing the Jumpers in the Underwater Jumper Bay (Even though he had TWO years)

_Author's Note: I've been waiting forever for them to revisit it! I loved the idea of an underwater jumper bay!! So I totally called it like two seconds before John explained to Rodney that those are the jumpers they'd need. Oh yeah! :D_

12. Designed programs for collecting great blackmail material.

11. Participated in the on-going prank wars.

10. Attempted to have a love life. *Cough* Katie….*Cough* Keller…..

9. Went on off-world missions. (Because he sort of _has_ to).

8. Played with the city's various systems. (Because he can't help it).

7. Planned how to sneak in a requisition order for remote control cars (and custom kits).

6. Saved the city a few times……the galaxy too

5. Played various computer games (and dragged other people into it).

4. Messed with the replicator base code.

3. Worked on his autobiography. "_Notes on Leadership"_

2. Tricked out his remote control car—racing stripes, custom wheels, the works.

1. Practiced his remote control car driving skills. (Very time consuming, of course!)

Oh yeah, and Rodney obviously still has his training plans on his "To Do" list. Maybe he should requisition a Stair-Master next.


	43. McKay's To Do List

Top Ten Things STILL on McKay's To Do List:

12. Learn the names of his staff. He's getting better, he knows _some_ of them.

11. Figure out what in the world the stockpile of ancient devices "do" that they've recovered.

10. Work on his aim. (He's still such a lousy shot!)

9. Increase his stamina. (So he doesn't almost pass out after climbing all of the stairs in the Tower.)

8. Finish going through the city, room by room, lab by lab, and know everything there is to know about it all.

7. Work on his people skills. (They ARE improving…slowly.)

6. Categorize the Ancient Database to HIS satisfaction.

5. Fix the jumpers in the underwater jumper bay. (Because they still aren't technically fixed.)

4. Find a vast storehouse of ZPM's, or learn how to build them.

3. Invent another new type of Math.

2. Learn to fly a jumper in a straight line—that way he can move on to more complex maneuvers (like a diagonal line :D)

1. Win the Nobel Prize!


	44. Where's Waldo erm Chuck?

Top Ten Things Chuck Has Done While We Haven't Seen Him Manning the Gate

_a/n: Not that I am completely opposed to Amelia Banks, but seriously, she pops up (with a first AND last name) but it took Chuck almost four seasons just to get a first name. Really, who got the short end of the stick this season? So, where's he been the last few episodes? What's he been doing?_

10. Took a few sick days.

9. Improved his fighting skills.

8. Slept.

7. Gone on Vacation.

6. Was off duty whenever something exciting happened.

5. Worked on his book.

4. Went on a date, or two.

3. Assigned to a lab, instead of the Gateroom.

2. Attended a Gate Technician conference, hosted by Walter, and exchanged notes.

1. Went off-world!


	45. Useless Devices

Top Ten Coolest Useless Devices the Ancients Left Behind:

a/n: Because they have to have found SOMETHING left over in the city to put on a shelf labeled: _useless junk—no touchy!_

10. Weather Changer: McKay found this one and after figuring out that it changed the climate in a contained area, John decided to use it to help their Christmas party. He wanted to make a room for them to have a snowball fight (go figure). Well, after ten-thousand years without use, the thing was a _little_ temperamental. Instead of one room, covered in light snow they got a blizzard that swept an entire level! After that, John wasn't allowed to play Jack Frost again.

9. Presentation Color Changing Laser Pointer:Sadly, this device had the nasty side effect of burning holes if it was pointed at one spot for two long. John found this out the hard way during a meeting when he shone it at Rodney's forehead slightly too long.

8. Shrink-o-nator: Very handy device for packing large quantities of items in small spaces; just don't plan on ever using them again because the science team still hasn't figured out how to reverse the process!

7. Mega Shredder: Great for disposing just about anything. Beware of the spinning blades of doom. Hazardous to hands if they get too close.

6. Chair in a Jar: Wonderful for camping trips or setting up a portable workstation. However, it doesn't ever seem to fit back in the jar, and turns into jelly after getting wet. So, don't take it outside if it's going to rain!

5. Chemi-chameleon: Great for camouflaging just about anything. The problem lies with the fact that the "undo" button still doesn't work.

4. Fun-Sized Gates: A novel idea, but hard when you can only send things about the size of a shoebox through the gate. On the plus side though, it uses only a fraction of the power! (I could see getting one of these in a Happy Meal.)

3. Ancient Mr. Clean: More than industrial strength cleanser. It not only disinfected, but dissolved anything it came into contact with! The custodial staff found it was more powerful than 410 cleaner times a thousand. Assuming, of course, 410 existed when all they had was 409.

2. Super Seed: An agricultural attempt gone wacko! This genetically modified goodie grows at an exponential rate when watered. Sadly, the botanists learned this the hard way after trying to grow some of the seed. Oh, and the disclaimer regarding the fact that it is hard to kill wore off over time.

1. Hair Re-growth Machine: McKay and Woolsey were excited to try this one, but found out that the hair did not always grow where the user most needed it. They ended up with rather nice beards though. Of course, when Caldwell came to visit McKay might have accidenatlly mentioned it, er, and convinced him to try it out too :D


	46. Michael's Therapy

Top Ten Issues Michael SHOULD'VE Resolved With His Therapist

a/n: Well, if he had a _therapist. _Because, seriously, the guy had SO many things wrong in his messed up mind. Now we can only wonder what might have been :D

10. Anger management. Really, he needs to get over the fact that various parties have wronged him: the Wraith, the Atlanteans *multiple times* etc. Maybe he deserved it?!?

9. Penchant for planning the death of those on Atlantis. He can't just let it go, can he?

8. Weakness for creating new weapons. What's with all the torture machines and sefl-destruct settings—not to mention the creepy experimental labs? Who enjoys making weapons to KILL people? That's unhealthy :D

7. Disturbing desire to kill humans. As a wraith he fed off them and as a mix-breed he just seems to want to kill them (or turn them into mindless lackeys.)

6. His bipolar disorder. (Seriously apparent in The Prodigal: _Teyla, come with me. _Never! _Fine! Just DIE then. Where's that self-distruct button?_)

5. Father complex: i.e. wanted to raise Torren as the key to his evil-maniacal plan. Yes, Daddy Michael!

4. His inferiority complex. He never _did_ seem to get over being part wraith and part human.

3. Desire to rule the galaxy, after killing off all those who will oppose him. The galaxy is pretty big too. Maybe he's compensating for something?

2. Creepy fascination with Teyla and his "love" for her.

1. Confused sense of fashion. He went from the wraith "Goth" black ensemble, to the rustic and ugly brown leather dress…erm…robe. (However, instead of a therapist, Stacy and Clinton might have better advice! His hair got progressively better though.)

0. The next step in this process should probably have been to work on his sense of humor. He needs to lighten up. All that stress and anger will only lead him to a fast approaching death. (HA!)

--------

Author's Note: This chapter is dedicated to Port-of-Seas who wanted a chapter devoted to Michael in honor of his truly epic villain status. Hopefully, this sort of fits what you had in mind. But if not, let me know…..I don't mind taking requests—this goes for everyone too. Seriously, sooner or later I'll run out of ideas…I'm surprised it hasn't been sooner. I'm weird; tell me something I don't know.

Cheers, Lemons :D


	47. Regarding Hallucinations

Top Ten Signs You're In a Hallucination

10. Only you can see the person with whom you are speaking to. Nobody else can.

9. You shoot people, and they keep running away.

8. There's no record of this hot chick that seems to have taken an interest into you. Anywhere.

7. Dead people re-appear mysteriously.

6. Mortal enemies suddenly stop acting like their normal selves and begin to spout off some random history of a race nobody's ever heard of.

5. *You* don't die; even though most people probably would've from, I don't know…_blood loss or pain,_ a long time ago.

4. Your aim is spot on. Knives magically find their targets, bullets hit in the perfect spot, and enemies walk straight into your traps. *Yep, yep, yep*

3. Start to *really* question your sanity.

2. Lost body parts magically re-grow. _Let's give the man a hand shall we? I believe a round of applause is in order right?_

1. Get compliments from people who normally would NEVER give them. _You're brilliant :D_

a/n: _"Nobody" knows where this list came from do they? _


	48. Ut Oh Signs

Top Ten Signs It's Going to Be a Bad Day

10. You break a shoelace. (It's a bad omen :D)

9. The community coffeemaker runs out after the person before you pours their cup.

8. Oversleep.

7. Your 'oh so hot' shower runs cold after two minutes.

6. All of your clothes are dirty, and the replacements are all the wrong sizes.

5. The transporters are down, so you have to walk EVERYWHERE.

4. Freak accident in the kitchens result in Eggo waffles for everyone. You HATE Eggo waffles.

3. Your laptop crashes, losing all of your work.

2. Stub your toe on the dresser as you stumble, and now curse, on your way to the bathroom.

1.5 Touch some alien device….and hope no weird side effects start popping up. _Why do I feel itchy all of a sudden? Is it me, or is it getting hot in here?_

1. Check the mission roster. Somehow, you're lucky enough to be scheduled to go off-world with SGA-1. –Better go dig out that rabbit's foot!


	49. Ways to Get Under an Enemy's Skin

Sheppard's Top Ten Ways to Get Under an Enemy's Skin

_Because seriously, the guy could practically write a book right?!? _

10. Insult their plan. "You know that's never going to work _because—insert reason here—_so you might as well just give up."

9. Make fun of their name. It unsettles people.

8. Smart ass comments using movie references they won't get.

7. Laugh at them.

6. Egg them on.

5. Make light of the whole "doom and gloom" situation.

4. When actually fighting, toy with them a bit before deciding to up and finish it out.

3. Stay calm and collected, and mock them. _"Seriously, does he look like a man who's about to die?"_

2. Crack a funny, i.e. make a joke that plays on the flaws of the 'evil' plan.

1. Straight up defiance. Like when captured, try to escape once or twice—sooner or later it will pay off.

_--Author's Note. Oh, since the 300__th__ review is fast approaching, the winner of it gets to request a special list of their choice. It can be a character based list or theme based. You name it, and I'll create it. The list will be published as the totally awesome 50__th__ chapter. Wow, two big milestones for this fic. Really, it's practically a fic about nothing. Do lists even qualify as "fic"? Oh well.—Cheers, Lemons! _


	50. FIVE OH

Top Ten 50th EDITION List! The GOLDEN Top Ten, If you will!!!!

Author's Note: _Well, let me preface this list with a BIG apology. See, all the end of semester projects, papers, and presentations got to me. Throw in Thanksgiving and then the actual week of finals, and I didn't get any outside writing done what-so-ever! I'm terribly sorry to have left this fic lie so long, especially in the crucial weeks of the series winding down. So, this is my HEARTFELT apology to all you lovely readers and your patience that I tried. Sorry._

SECONDLY! _This is IT SGA fans! The big FIVE OH chapter! Wow guys, who's excited? Well, __**Port of Seas**__ was my lovely 300__th__ reviewer and as such, requested something befitting of such an incredible chapter number; something "epic" that covered Villains, Episodes, Heroes, Reasons why Stargate Rocks……._

Without further ado…..Drum roll please.

**s*g*a**

_Dum. Dum. Dadadadadadadadada DUMMMMMMM!_

**s*g*a**

Top Ten Villainous I'm-Gonna-Take-Over-(The-insert location here)-Plots That Make Heroes Shine and Prove Why We LOVE Stargate! (_Not a chance this title would EVER fit in the chapter box._)

10.(Atlantis.) Force is not always necessary. Every heard of chemical warfare? Does ingesting an addictive personality pheromone count? It certainly worked for a while and was an effective ploy by Lucius. Pity it was a cold that brought _that one_ down. Good thing *someone* just *happened* to be sick. Riiigghtt.

9. (A Senior Staff's mind/body.) This seems to be a popular one: Those pesky replicators tried the whole mind thing with Elizabeth. Yeah, that worked well for Niam. There's always the body route. The _black-box-alien-fighter-pilot-enemy-couple-with-issues_ (from season two) sort of worked. What's her face, controlling Elizabeth, did manage to control the city for a bit. BUT, the creepy alien plant thing that took over Keller is another option….or the alien entity that took Shep's likeness and killed Dr. Heightmeyer….or…

8. (A Jumper.) Technically Larrin's way of taking a Jumper was a highly effective way of taking control. Pity the whole control thing did not work out so well on its pilot. It did send a message of "I'm totally going to manipulate you though, so you do what I want. See, first I'll take your puny little ship…….."

7. (The Galaxy.) Who's tried this? Well, the wraith have been at it for how many years? Too many. If they haven't done it by now, what are the odds of them succeeding? Of course, there's always the copy-cat Replicator plan of simply destroying all humans so _they_ are in control.

6. (The Stargate.) Because really, the wraith do that *all* the time. It cuts off the inhabitants and causes mass confusion. But when the Replicators do it, throw in a massive-souped-up-and-deadly laser beam, well, then we get to see Atlantis fly.

5. (Atlantis.) Again. By Michael and the pilfered jumper. Oh, and only a handful of hybred minions. Sure, that'll do the trick. He's home free now!

4. (The SGC.) Awesome stun shock wave anyone? Plus the two most kick-butt "good-guys" get to take back the place. Those pesky Wraith do not stand a chance. Ronon and his gun seriously are equivalent to a small army. And Teal'c? Well, even without a cool gun he still is more formidable than a small army.

3. (Midway.) Sneaky turds those wraith are. Yes, let's take control of the most efficient doorway to a galaxy full of food, erm people, full of people. But, let's not completely wipe out all resistance before sending part of our forces onward.

2. (The Daedalus.) More mass stunning, guerilla resistance, well placed gunfire, and sneaky hyperspace jumping foiled Todd's plan that time. Those darn meddlin' kids.

1. (Atlantis.) Again-Again. Silly Kolya and his inept Genii rookie strike force. Funny how "one dot can sure get rid of a whole bunch of other dots." Talk about takin' care of business.

Pure and simple genius sports, *cough* Stargate fans. I really learned everything about tactics I needed to from watching the folly of our favorite foes.

**s*g*a***

_We'll see how many I can crank out before the end of the show, because that's when I'm putting this fic to rest. Maybe. MAYBE, I might revive it for a list or two depending on how well a movie version plays out. Just a friendly update--Lemons_


	51. Relationship Killers

Top Ten Ways Living in the Pegasus Galaxy Will *likely* Ruin Your Relationship:

13. She likes you simply because you are a God to her world. It doesn't matter that you only took on that role because you thought it was some version of an Ancient Simms. Still, anyone with a conscience will see that having someone faun over you isn't going to equal true love.

12. Only in Pegasus can AIs produce very convincing attractive woman hallucinations that really just want to manipulate you into saving their entire race of people. _It's not real. Just keep telling yourself that. You can handle the rejection!---or---"It's not that I don't like you, but I'm not real in the first place."_

11. Kirking around. Enough said right?

10. Your significant other could die: Exploding tumors, exploding gates, life-sucking aliens, life-sucking alien worshipers, crazy natives, creepy bugs, messed up hybrids (and or) mutants, revenge seeking enemies, malicious "darkness," Replicators bent on wiping out human life……

9. Very easily can your first kiss be through the body of one of the opposite sex. (Girl in guy's body. Kisses guy she likes. Equals, awkward for everyone else. Um Blackmail?)

8. Beware large Egos. They beg you to trust them, blow up five-sixth of a galaxy and a whole crapload of trust in the process. (_Friendship)_

7. Watch out for the natives with ulterior motives, and dark wraith-like obsessions. For example, while trapped together on a hive ship, she really is far more interested in the world you came from than your actual personality. Clowns and Starbucks anyone?

6. Stupid military rules that say leaders can't hook up. *WHAHHH SPARKY*

5. The object of your affections falls for the loud, egomaniacal, genius chief of science, instead of the traditional strong, warrior-like, Knight in Shinning Armor.

4. She likes you simply because you possess an ancient gene in large quantities. Yeah, that'll help form a long term 'ship.

3. After switching bodies with a thieving criminal, she *in your body* states that you can "do better." Seeds of doubt perhaps?

2. Your first and only kiss happens, bringing your relationship to a new level, when you both are taken over by crazy-black-box-aliens who then proceed to try and kill each other, while in your bodies.

1. Beware of medical quarantines that force you to spend hours with your significant other. Don't let the idea of impending doom and likely death kill off any sparks you may have.

--TBC—

Author's Note:_ This list was done on request for Eternal Destiny, who wanted a list dealing with relationships and problems. I hope this works :D_

_--Lemons--_


	52. Christmas time is here

Top Ten Holiday Scenarios and Their Respective Soundtracks:

_Author's Note: Okay, so getting in the Holiday spirit, this was requested by Fitzroy. Sorry if you guys don't know all the tunes or versions, but then I guess it just means you should expand your Christmas Music Library—I don't think *too* many of these are that 'out there.'_

11. On the last mission of the year before Christmas, Major Lorne's team had the misfortune of being attacked by the wraith as they fled to the gate. Skillfully flying their jumper, Evan accidentally hit one of the wraith standing guard at the 'gate. After exiting the wormhole, his copilot quipped, "Wow Major, you just plowed that wraith down!" Cue, "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer." (_Yeah, it's a stretch, but the wraith have white hair, and Grandmothers tend to have white hair…..oh come on, it's number 11!)_

10. Left the task of delivering the last shipment of supplies to Atlantis before the holidays—all of the food, presents, and festive whatnot—and picking up anyone returning to Earth, the Daedalus made its way toward the ancient city. Relaxing in his room for a bit, Caldwell put in his iPod ear buds and randomly hit his Christmas playlist in an attempt to get into the season. Cue Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmastime," oh Steven was having such a _wonderful Christmas time_ acting as a glorified ferry from one galaxy to the next.

9. Because John felt it was his duty to help introduce Ronon into some of the finer points of Earth culture, at Christmas, he decided to teach him a classic song with a new twist. For days afterward, Ronon could be heard singing through the halls,

"_We three Kings of Orient are: _

_Tried to Smoke a Rubber Cigar, _

_It was loaded, it exploded,_

_Now we are no more." _

Cue any instrumental version of, "We Three Kings."

8. On late nights, a certain head scientist can be found in an out of the way lab. Here he works on cataloging all of the Ancient devices recovered from the city and off world, and tries to determine exactly what they do. Cue the Beach Boys', "He's the Man With All the Toys."

7. As a bit of a gag, Woolsey agreed to Chuck's idea of an hour of Holiday music every day. What's the first track he put on citywide? Cue Andy Williams' "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year."

6. On their last mission before the Christmas holidays, the team unfortunately got caught in a freak rain storm, complete with flooding that effectively cut off their exit when the 'gate drowned (again). Camping out in the surrounding hills until the water receded, only Rodney managed to come down with a terrible cold. His full head and bright red nose did little to help his mood. Finally making it back to the city, Rodney managed to earn a new nickname while the medics escorted them to the infirmary. McKay had been rattling off his symptoms to the staff, and John chimed in, "You know, with that bright red nose, we could call you Rodney the Red Nosed Reindeer." Unfortunately for Rodney, the name stuck around for the next month, and his staff randomly started humming the tune whenever McKay came into the vicinity. (He swears Zelenka helped orchestrate the affair though.) Cue the Chipmunk's, "Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer."

5. Since everyone does not get off on Christmas, the gang at the Alpha site did their best to cope. The luscious green foliage, warm climate, and sunny weather did not exactly scream the traditional Christmas setting. Cue Bing Crosby's "Mele Kalikimaka."

4. While sneakily setting the thermostats in the city up ten degrees, Rodney played a nasty holiday prank—to get revenge for all of the "Rodney the red-nosed….." comments. Cue music: "You're a Nasty One....Mr. Grinch."

3. At this time of year, emotions run high in favor of a sense of normality. Passing any balcony on the city serves as a constant reminder of the extraordinary circumstances the expedition faces. For anyone wistfully gazing out at the city, cue Bing Crosby's "White Christmas."

2. The week leading up the Christmas, Woolsey decided to follow his predecessors' tradition of suspending most official offworld missions, save for emergencies, and gave everyone staying on the city the week to celebrate. The lights went up, trees emerged, paper snowflakes decorated the control tower, and the cooks went holiday cookie crazy. Cue Mavis Staples' "Christmas Vacation."

1. As per their yearly tradition, John and Evan decided in favor of a little "Secret Santa"-ing for Woolsey's first Christmas as Expedition Leader. So, on the first morning of Christmas, Richard walked into his office to see a picture of a hand-turkey "partridge" and a pear with a trunk sticking out of it artfully decorating a portion of his office's glass walls. Not quite sure what to say to this, Richard simply went about his day keeping his curiosity hidden for the time being.

The following morning, next to the "pear-tree," were two turtles with wings drawn on top of their shells. Curious, Woolsey walked out into the control room and over to Chuck, who was just finishing the night shift. However, Chuck denied all knowledge of seeing _anyone_ sneak into the office and decorate.

On the third morning, Woolsey found three hens drawn next to a very accurate Eiffel Tower.

On the fourth morning, Richard found next to the others, four cartoon-like birds with cell phones.

On the fifth morning, he found five large golden rings with various jewels attached to them. By now, people were stopping periodically throughout the day to admire the lovely artwork adorning the glass walls of the office.

On the sixth morning, the sight of six geese resting on nests greeted Richard. However the eggs floating around the hens, decorated in Easter style, proved the proverbial icing on the cake. He even began to notice the whispers of onlookers proclaiming, "_This is far better than last year's.—It hasn't been this good since Dr. Weir disappeared."_

On the seventh morning, Woolsey found seven swans, in bathing caps, doing the backstroke. Combined, the artwork was proving to evoke a large mural effect on the office. Almost the entire glass wall overlooking the Gateroom was bedecked with Christmas scenes.

On the eighth morning, Richard was not surprised to see eight very attractive looking maids, milking eight cows. At this, Woolsey deduced that most likely a male was the culprit for all of the holiday graffiti, simply due to how the maids were drawn. (Boys *shakes head*)

On the ninth morning, he found nine more attractive women dancing next to the eight maidens. Musing to himself, Richard wondered if maybe he could convince Zelenka into pulling up the security tapes from the last couple nights.

On the tenth morning, Woolsey found ten lords leaping around the window to greet the day. A little put out; Radek's search had proved in vain, for the tapes of his office did not reveal any suspicious activity the last ten nights. In fact, they showed nobody entering or exiting the space or moving around the nearby halls.

On the eleventh morning, Richard was not at all surprised to see eleven little pipers piping around his window. With only one day left to go, Richard desperately wanted to know who the acting art fairy was. Intensely curious, he asked Dr. McKay to look at the tapes for signs of tampering. Rodney returned a few hours later, furious, to inform him that someone did indeed tamper with the tapes, and much to his chagrin he could not determine the original contents.

On the twelfth morning, Woolsey found twelve drummers drumming on bright red drum sets. He also found a plethora of paper snowflakes hanging from the ceiling, a laptop blaring Christmas music, and lights lining his shelves, desk, and the obscenely large Christmas tree that had been set up in the corner. Making his way to his desk, he spied a note that read, "Merry Christmas, from the Mystery Elves. Don't bother trying to figure out who did this, nobody has yet."

(Oh, and if you hadn't guessed it, the music playing throughout the whole background, John Denver and the Muppet's "The Twelve Days of Christmas.")

--A/N 2: _Um, yeah. Happy Holidays! Cue your favorite version of your favorite holiday song!_


	53. Stayin' Alive

Top Ten Tips for Staying Alive in Pegasus for any length of time:

11. Learn as many skills as possible. The more you can do the better you can adapt. So learn how to fly a jumper, fix a jumper, and save those hurt in the back of a jumper. That way, you can pivot in most off-world mission situations.

10. Learn to blend in.

9. Take self-defense classes (Ronon's classes keep you alive in a fight).

8. Take meditation classes (Teyla's help keep your mental state happy).

7. Be careful what you eat off-world and in the city (Who really knows what's in Mystery Meat Monday?)

6. Don't make people mad at you that might hunt you down for retribution. (Or kill them off before they get a chance).

5. Make friends with the medical staff. It might just save your life in a pinch if they like you more.

4. Don't be a 'red-shirt.' (Even Weir didn't escape :( ).

3. Get good at running away. (The faster you run, the faster you get away.)

2. Don't touch strange objects that might blow up, or make you blow up, or mess with your DNA.

1. Talk to a therapist now about any suicide like tendencies or hero complexes you might possess early on. (It would be just your luck to learn all of the above only to mess it up yourself!)

_Author's Note: Well, I happened to find this little list just rotting away in my documents. Tsk tsk, this should've been posted a while ago. Ooops.--Lemons_


	54. Medical Advice

Top Ten Tips for Medical Help in a Pinch By Ronon and Rodney:

10. _Try to avoid getting hurt on a backwater planet. Odd are good that if you let them treat you, you'll never make it back alive! (Rodney)_

9. Eyes on the prize. Don't bother with anesthesia around those you don't trust. Never let yourself show weakness unless you fully trust them. (Ronon)

8. _Be the boy/girl scout: Always be prepared. Bandages, ibuprofen, gauze, power bars, water, tweezers, antiseptic wipes, butterfly bandages, band-aids, hot/cold packs, Icy Hot……(Rodney)_

7. Get shot: One, pull out field bandage. Two, attach bandage. Three, shoot guy who shot you. Four, shoot his backup. (Ronon)

6. _Blood gushing from ANYWHERE is bad! Don't pass out. Don't pass out! (Rodney)_

5. Surgical tools are for wimps. A broken piece of glass (to reflect off of) and some pliers will help you remove that shrapnel easy. (Ronon)

4. _Know CPR. It may help you save the girl you love! (Rodney)_

3. Dislocate your shoulder? Find a wall. Firmly throw yourself up against it and poof! No more dislocation. (Ronon)

2. _When in doubt, defer to an MD for help. They do know their voodoo best, after all. (Rodney)_

1. Just pull it out. PULL. IT. OUT. (Ronon)

Between the two of them, you should stay alive long enough to have a "real" doctor look at you. Hopefully!

-fin-

a/n: Yeah, been a while. Just cleaning out my writing folder, and I found this. Ooops!

Thanks for all of the support for my Not!Fic. Honestly, this hardly counts as "real" writing. Still, I loved all of the positive reviews (and 1 flame). I doubt I will add on, unless something from the movie really sparks a fantastic top ten list….

Lemons


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